Breakaway
by CPDFanGirl
Summary: Nadia's death sends Erin down a deep long forgotten rabbit hole. It's time away she says she needs but her friends and family have other ideas. Will a trip to Rocklahoma save her or send her falling even faster? Can Jay and Hank work together to build her back up?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Something similar to this was posted previously. It had too many story lines and has now been deleted, this story will focus on the story lines which people seemed most interested in.**

Erin walked into the bar, the one Bunny worked at. She sat down and without even saying a word a shot glass was placed in front of her, it was filled with vodka. She downed the liquid and felt it light up her insides, it burned, it hurt, she put the glass down and let it be filled again. She downed three shots before she even looked up, even acknowledged her mother's presence.

"What happened?" Bunny asked, trying to sound concerned.

"I don't want to talk about," Erin said and she finally reached for the beer sitting on the counter. She took a sip and let out a long slow breath. She wasn't going to talk to Bunny about what just happened, about the fact that two Chicago police officers had just tried to kill her, that Landon had almost got killed in the process. She was just going to drink, try and bury her problems.

"Okay," Bunny said pouring her another shot. "You don't have to tell me what happened but we need to talk. You can't keep doing this."

"Like you can talk," she reached for the shot glass, downed the drink, put the glass back on the bar, Bunny re-filled it.

"I don't mean this Erin," Bunny said waving her arms around the bar, "I mean everything else. I think you need to step away from all this policing stuff for a while. I think you need to spend time with your family."

She reached for the beer and took a long slow gulp. 'Family' she thought, Bunny didn't have the slightest idea what family meant to her. Hank was her family, everyone else in the unit was her family before she was. Bunny was her razor blade, the place she went to when she wanted to hurt herself, when she didn't want to hurt the people she cared about. She didn't care about her mom, not after all the times she'd hurt her and let her down as a child.

"Erin," Bunny said, and she reached over and took her hand, "you need to spend time with your family."

"Okay," she said and pulled her hand from her mother's grasp. She'd spend time with her 'family', her mother, not because she thought she should, not because she thought it would make her feel better but because she didn't want the people she cared about getting hurt anymore. She was bad news, she was born into bad news and she was still bad news, she needed to protect the people she cared about.

* * *

 _The next morning_

Hank held Erin's badge in his hand as he walked out the bar she'd decided to stay at, the one Bunny worked at, the worst one she could possibly be at as far as he was concerned. Drinking was one thing but her mother's influence concerned him. Bunny was toxic for Erin, he knew it, Erin knew it, he could see by the look she gave him she was hurting and she didn't want to feel better. Everyone it would seem except Bunny knew this was bad, in a sick twisted way Bunny seemed to think she was helping her daughter. But Hank knew better, Erin knew better. He was angry at her and disappointed, she was better than this. He'd seen her fall down this hole before, he'd watched her crawl her way out of it, he needed her to start doing that again.

He wanted to get her out the bar, he tried almost everything he could. He stopped short of physically manhandling her out but that was all. He couldn't manhandle her, he'd never laid a finger on her, not in that way and he wasn't going to start now. It hurt to walk away from her, to leave her there when she was in such obvious mental pain, but she didn't want his help, she made that clear. He'd give her a few days and try again.

* * *

Erin watched Hank walk out the bar, she reached for her beer and took another drink. Her mother came up behind her and held her shoulders, she pushed them away, she didn't want her mother touching her. A part of her wanted Hank, she wanted him to grab her by the arm and yank her out the bar. She wanted him to hurt her, not beat her but hold her so tight it hurt but she wouldn't ask for that. Hank would never hurt her, not like that, he was a good man, he'd saved her life and she knew he would do it again in an instant but she didn't want to be saved. To be saved would mean she would have to let him in, she would have to feel, and she didn't want to feel, she didn't want to let anyone in, she didn't want them to get hurt too, so instead she drank. Every time her bottle was empty her mother gave her a new one, she drank and she didn't talk, not about anything important at least. When Landon arrived she left with him, at his place she drank more, and swallowed the pharmaceuticals he placed in front of her. She didn't know what she was taking, she didn't care, she just wanted the feeling to stop. They had sex, it was rough, it was what she wanted.

* * *

Jay tried to phone Erin, he was worried about her, he could see she was self-destructing, he could see she was hurting and he wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to be her friend but she didn't want him to. Her phone just rang, and rang and rang, she never answered.

* * *

 _Three days later_

Jay listened to the sound of Erin's voicemail kick in. He hung up and dialled again. It had been three days since Voight had come back to the station in a huff and said Erin wasn't coming in. Voight hadn't been willing to give any more explanation, at least not to him. He'd seen through his open door Voight place Erin's badge in his top draw. Something was up and if he couldn't get the explanation from Voight he was determined to get it from Erin. Only problem was she wouldn't answer her phone and he had no idea where she was. He'd camped outside her apartment one night but she never showed. He was worried about her, scared that something was seriously wrong. He was about to hang up the phone again when he heard the line connect.

"Jay stop calling," he heard Erin's voice say down the line. She sounded tired, her voice with an even stronger rasp than usual, "I'm fine," then the line disconnected.

She hung up before he'd even had a chance to get a word in. In frustration he made to throw his phone across the room but he held on to the electronic device.

"Still not answering?" Antonio asked seeing the look of frustration crossing his friend's face.

"She answered," Jay said turning to Antonio, "she said she was fine and hung up before I could say anything."

"Oh," Antonio nodded like he understood, "well at least you know she's not dead, give her space, she'll come around when she'd ready."

"Yeah," Jay sighed and he looked around. They were in Matador's the gym Antonio had brought with money he was vague on where it came from. Only a few feet away were a couple of boxing bags hanging from stands. "You got any gloves lying around here?" he asked, the idea of punching something right now felt good.

"Should do," Antonio smiled at him and he walked away. He returned a minute later with a couple pairs of gloves, "Catch," he said throwing a pair at Jay.

Jay put the gloves on and began to punch, and then he began to kick. He was angry and frustrated and worried and hurt. He wanted to help Erin but he couldn't if she wouldn't let him

* * *

Erin put her phone down and looked over at Landon. "I told him I was fine. Are you happy now?" she asked, reaching for the packet of cigarettes. She placed the stick in her mouth and lit it with shaking hands. She felt horrible in every imaginable way.

They were at Landon's apartment and in the midst of a bender. They were coming up for air, she could feel herself starting to sober up, the headaches were starting to come, she had no doubt she'd be drinking again soon, and taking other stuff if Landon pulled them from his pocket. For now the cigarettes would do.

"I expected you'd at least have a conversation with the guy," Landon said reaching for her cigarette and taking a drag, "The poor guy is worried about you."

"He doesn't need to be worrying. I'm fine," she said but she knew the statement was a lie and so did Landon.

"You're a lot of things Erin but fine ain't one of them," he said as he stood, walked into the kitchen. Erin stayed on the sofa puffing on the cigarette. She didn't need Landon giving her lectures and speeches he was her escape from all that.

He came back with a jug of water and two glasses. He filled the glasses and handed one to her. She took a sip and placed the glass back on the table. She knew she needed the water to make herself feel better but she wanted to hurt.

"We can't keep doing this," Landon said sitting down, "I've still got tickets to Rocklahoma, come away with me. There is nothing holding you here."

Erin took a drag of the cigarette and thought, Landon was right about one thing there was nothing holding her to Chicago. She could go to Rocklahoma she thought and then maybe she'd stay.


	2. Chapter 2

Jay camped himself out in front of Erin's apartment. He had with him enough Chinese take away to feed a small army. He didn't expect Erin to show up but he hoped she would, he didn't know where else to look, Voight wouldn't tell him which bar Bunny worked at.

He was halfway through a spring roll when he heard the sound of people coming down the corridor. He looked up and saw Erin coming towards him, Landon beside her. He'd only met Landon once, Landon had been with Lindsay when Jackson Park tried to kill her. He felt bad for the guy getting caught up in that mess but he disliked him in principle, he was facilitating Erin's spiral into all things bad. He stood up waiting for them to see him.

"Jay what are you doing here?" Erin asked as she approached him.

"I wanted to see you," he said stepping forward.

"Well now you've seen me, you can go." Erin stepped forward to unlock the door.

"Erin," he reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder but she quickly shrugged it away, "Let me in I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine," she said fumbling her keys.

"No you're not," he wanted to reach out and touch her again but he held himself back. "You look like you haven't slept in days and you smell of alcohol, that's not like you Erin. You're not okay."

"You don't know me," she said finally getting the door unlocked. "I'm bad news Jay and you need to stay away from me. I don't want you to get hurt too."

She stepped inside, he wanted to follow her but Landon grabbed his arm. "Just give her some space man," he said not letting him inside.

"Let go of me," he said wrenching his arm from Landon's grip. He tried to step inside again but Landon stood in his way.

"Give her some space," he told him again, "she'll come to you when she's ready."

"Erin!" he called into the apartment but he could no longer see her and didn't know if she could hear him.

* * *

...

Erin kept her head down as she walked into the apartment. Nadia's things were still everywhere and she couldn't bring herself to look at them, not today, not right now. She went into her bedroom and pulled out a bag from the closet. In it she threw several sets of underwear, a pair of jeans, a pair of leggings and a few tops. She grabbed her toothbrush from the bathroom and threw that in too. Anything else she needed she could buy on the road. She didn't want to spend any more time than necessary at her apartment.

She could still hear Jay and Landon talking at her front door; she went to the kitchen and pulled two beers from the fridge. She stuck one in her bag and twisted the top off the other. She took a swig and walked to her front door with her head down, she didn't make eye contact with either man as she reached them. Instead she pulled the door shut behind her and walked past both of them. She heard Jay call out to her but she didn't look back, she didn't want him to see the look in her eyes. It hurt to be walking away from him but it was what she needed to do.

* * *

...

'Rocklahoma,' Jay thought to himself, 'one week.' He wasn't sure he could stand waiting that long but Landon said he'd look after Erin. Not that he really trusted the guy. From what he could tell he hadn't done anything good for Erin, only encouraged her to do all the things she shouldn't be doing. He'd given him the name of the bar though, the one he'd be able to find her at when they returned.

He picked up the rest of his Chinese food and began the walk back to his car. He was feeling inadequate as a friend but short of stalking her there was nothing more he could do. He didn't want to go home though; he didn't want to be alone in his apartment. Instead he found himself driving to Matador's. The lights were still on in the boxing gym so he parked his car and picked up all the Chinese food. Maybe he could share the meal with Antonio he thought, he could use a friend to talk to, and a bag to punch.

* * *

...

Sitting at a small table inside the gym Antonio shuffled paperwork, he wasn't expecting anyone but when he heard a knock at the door and then saw Jay's face looking in through the window he smiled. He smiled even wider when he saw the bag of Chinese food he was carrying. He hadn't realised how late it was getting.

"Hey mate, what brings you here?" he asked Jay as he closed the door and locked it again.

"I didn't feel like eating alone," Jay said holding up the bag of food.

"Ay," Antonio said as they began to walk back to the table, "you've been at Erin's again haven't you?" he asked.

"Yeah," Jay said shrugging his shoulders, "she showed up this time, wasn't interested in talking though. She's been hanging with that Landon guy. He said they were going out of town for a few days. Rocklahoma or something. She was only there a few minutes."

"Geeze," Antonio said as they reached the table, "Did she look okay?"

"Nah," Jay said shaking his head, "she looked terrible. But she made it quite clear she's not interested in my help. I don't know what else I can do."

"Tough," Antonio said as he cleared away his paperwork, they took the boxes of Chinese out the bag and sat down.

* * *

...

Voight walked into the technology and surveillance rooms. Mouse was sitting at a computer; many strings of data were running across the screens. Voight didn't know what his tech expert was up to half the time, he didn't really care as long as he kept producing the information the unit needed when they needed it. He'd told him on more than one occasion he had his back if he ever got caught, so long as he had a good reason for doing whatever he was doing.

"Mouse," he said getting his attention.

Mouse jumped in his seat, "Voight," he said seeing who had walked up to him. "I have what you asked for, every transaction for the last three days." He spun around on his chair and reached for a piece of paper, "she didn't use the cards at all yesterday or the day before but twenty minutes ago she paid for some gas and brought something from the bottle shop."

"Thanks," Voight said taking the report, "keep monitoring her accounts, and this stays between us."

"Of course," Mouse said and he turned back to his computer.

Voight took the paper back to his office and slipped it into his draw. He took comfort in knowing Erin was still spending money, though what she was buying troubled him. He picked up his phone and tried calling her again but like every other time the phone just rung until she rejected his call. He left her a message but he wasn't expecting a call back anytime soon.

* * *

...

In the car Erin drank while Landon drove. She watched the city change to suburbs, and the suburbs to country. They were on the highway, and then the open road. She didn't talk, the radio played but she wasn't listening to the music. Landon tried to start a conversation but she just gave grunts and one word answers. She didn't want to talk and she didn't care where they stopped for dinner as long as she could keep drinking. She didn't care which route they took, she didn't even care if they got there or not. She wanted to disappear, become inviable; she didn't want to hurt the ones she cared about. It hurt pushing them away, there was a big gaping hole in her heart which ached with every breath she took but she knew within her that she was doing the right thing. If she stayed where she was they would get hurt, they always got hurt. So for now she drank in the vain hope that it would fill the hole in her heart, take the pain away. It wasn't working, all it could do was numb the pain, nothing it would seem could take it away. It was her fault Nadia was dead, if she'd just left her alone she'd still be alive. She wasn't good like Hank, she couldn't be the one to save someone and she was no good, she was bad for everyone.

A few hours out of the city they stopped at a Walmart, Landon brought sleeping bags, a tent, water, and a bunch of convenience food. Erin brought more beer and liquor and a few bottles of pop as mixers. They had dinner at McDonalds, Landon brought her a happy meal, the toy was a snowman figurine from some kids movie. She played with the toy, she wasn't interested in eating but Landon nagged her until she ate the meal. It made her feel sick and twenty minutes later she vomited it all up on the side of the road. Landon laughed at her, she threatened to walk away but they were literally in the middle of nowhere. She hopped back in the car and they stopped at the next hotel they passed.

Erin walked into the hotel room feeling horrible, she was weak and shaky and her head was spinning. In the bathroom she vomited again, and again. Her stomach and all the muscles in her chest ached but she felt slightly better. She turned on the shower and hopped under the warm water. She washed her body and her hair with the hotel provided toiletries, she brushed her teeth, she began to feel almost human again. It was a feeling she welcomed until she realised it was happening. She didn't want to feel human. She quickly hopped out the shower and walked back into the main room, Landon was laying on the bed watching the television.

"You feeling better?" he asked.

She didn't answer his question, just glared at him. "You got any pills?" she asked instead.

He seemed to roll his eyes at her but he got up and walked to his bag. He pulled a bottle and tipped out a little blue pill.

"What is it?" she asked taking the pill from him, she was already swallowing it as he gave her the answer.

"A sleeping pill," he told her, "go lay down, you've had enough for now."

She rolled her eyes at him but did as he said. She lay down in the bed and waited for sleep to take her away.

* * *

...

Voight looked at the print out of Erin's credit card transactions, she was moving south, she'd left Chicago. He wasn't sure if he should feel pissed off or relieved. She was getting away from Bunny, but she wasn't coming to him. Then it crossed his mind maybe Bunny was with her, that thought worried him more than anything else in the last week. He got up, walked out his office and headed to his car. He drove to Bunny's bar, hopping to see the woman behind the counter.

He stepped through the front door and there was Bunny.

"What are you doing here Hank?" she said throwing him a dirty look.

"Where's Erin?" he said not answering her question.

"Not here," she replied not even trying to hide the distain in her voice.

"I can see that. Where is she?" he asked again, "I've given her space, now it's time for her to come home."

"You're not her home Hank," Bunny said showing a smug look on her face, "you're not her family. She made that clear last time you were here."

He sucked in a deep breath and told himself to keep a level head; Bunny was trying to stir him.

"You don't know where she is do you?" He said trying to stir her back.

"I know," Bunny said but he saw the look in her eye, the tell which let him know she was lying.

"You're full of crap," he said stepping towards her, "you wanted her to spend time with family but you can't even keep her under your roof for a week."

He walked out the bar feeling satisfied that Erin wasn't running out of town with her mother but still with no idea of where she was going, or when she would come home.

* * *

...

Jay sat alone in his apartment, a beer in his hand and a documentary about sea turtles playing on the television. He held his phone in the other hand. He brought up Erin's number, a smiling picture of her showed on his screen. He wanted to call her, but he knew she wouldn't answer, he knew he needed to give her the space she so desperately wanted but it was hard. One week he told himself, one week and she would be back in town and he wouldn't let her run away from him this time.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks for the reviews, they really make my day :-). Happy to hear any thoughts, feeling, suggestions.**

* * *

An hour out of the festival Landon pulled over at another Walmart. It was mid-morning and the weather was hot, sticky, and humid. Erin had been drinking since she woke up, a liquid breakfast she called it, then shuddered when she realised she sounded like her mother. She didn't want to be like her mother but she felt escaping her past wasn't possible.

She followed Landon into the store and they brought the last of the supplies they'd need for the festival. Boxes of cereal, chips, other food stuff, more water, cans of beer, and a cooler to put it all in. She wandered into the clothing section and brought some red shorts and a few white T-shirts. The skinny jeans she wore were getting hot and uncomfortable. She changed in the car while Landon loaded all their things.

She chewed on a granola bar and continued to drink. The radio played rock music by bands playing at the festival. She stared out the window and watched the countryside slide past. There was a bird flying high in the sky, some eagle or hawk. It hovered over something in a field and then swooped down, grabbed it's pray and flew away. It was fascinating to watch; she was a city girl, had never seen this much open space and nature. She wasn't sure she liked it; the empty space reminded her of how she felt inside. A part of her still couldn't believe she was doing this, that she'd let Landon talk her into going to a rock festival, a camping one of all things. Actually she hadn't realised they were camping when she agreed to go. She wasn't looking forward to it, but then she wasn't looking forward to anything.

When they reached the festival a long line of cars were waiting to get in. It would seem that every car was being searched for contraband. She glanced at Landon, she knew he had a small stash of pills in his bag but he didn't seem worried.

"I got prescriptions," he said giving her a wink, "relax; it's all taken care of."

She rolled her eyes at him, pulled her ticket out the glovebox, opened the car door, "I'm going for a walk," she said leaving him sitting there.

Can of beer in hand she walked along the line of cars checking out the other people waiting. Most of them seemed younger than her but there were some the same age and some even older. At the front gate she showed her ticket, exchanged it for a wrist band and kept walking. There were lots of people already there with tents and cars all arranged in neat rows. Some tents looked like the cheap Walmart one they had but other looked like they were made for some serious camping. She walked further into the camp site, someone called out to her, she paused, looked back, the voice belonged to a young man. He had chocolate brown hair and was sitting in a deck chair, beside him was a cooler full of beer and next to that a mate. They weren't expecting her to stop, the one who called out swore and his mate started laughing before calling her over. She went to them because she didn't have anything better to do, her beer was empty and they had lots of beer.

"Hey," she said giving them a smile.

"Hey," the first one said blushing from ear to ear, "want a beer?"

"Sure," she said stepping closer. One of them stood, passed her a beer from the cooler. She cracked the can and took big long gulp.

"Wow,"' one of them said watching her, "you really know how to knock back a beer."

"Practice," she said taking a smaller sip, "so what are your names?"

"Tom," the one who'd handed her the beer said, "and this is Dave," Dave gave her a small wave. "We're from Springfield but have just moved to St Louis. Where are you from?"

"Chicago," she said still sipping the beer.

"Ay the windy city," Tom said still smiling, "I've been there once, nice place. What's your name?"

Erin took a big sip of beer just as he asked the question. It gave her a moment to think and a thought crossed her mind, "Shelby," she said giving them the alias she hadn't used since she was a teenager. She was falling back into her old ways she may as well embrace it.

"Shelby, nice," Tom kept smiling at her, "so are you here by yourself?"

"Nah, my friend's in the car waiting to get it. I was sick of their company."

"Oh well you should tell her to come over when she gets in. Dave here can keep her company."

Erin chuckled as an image of Landon with these two crossed her mind. "I don't think he'd appreciate that," she said putting an emphasis on the word he.

"Oh," Tom took half a step back from her, "so is he your boyfriend?"

"No," she said shaking her head, Landon was a lot of things to her but boyfriend wasn't one of them, "just a friend."

"Oh well in that case why don't you sit down, have some drinks with us. That line to get in takes a while."

Erin sat down with these guys she'd just met and drank their beer. She let them talk shit about themselves. They were both studying business at college, both had swimming scholarships. They liked to pay each other out and tell 'funny' stories. Erin had a feeling they were trying to impress her. When they asked her about herself she gave non answers or made up stuff, she didn't want these guys to know her story, and even if she did she didn't want to tell it.

She was on to her third beer when Landon messaged her with the campsite number and wanting to know where on earth she was. She wrote him back telling him she'd be there soon.

"I got to go guys," she said standing up, "thanks for the beer."

"Anytime," Tom smiled at her, "we'll be here all weekend if you want to ditch your friend again."

Erin walked back through the camp ground, a gentle sway in her step. After a week of solid drinking her body no longer felt the effects in quite the same way. She could hold her liqueur and it didn't make her feel rolling drunk, just a little bit numb, it let her stop feeling just a little.

At the camp site Landon was struggling to put the tent up, "Erin finally," he said as soon as he saw her, "here hold this." He handed her a tent pole and she stood there holding it, she made no effort to help him more than he asked. She didn't do camping, she was still mad at him for not telling her in the first place the festival involved camping.

When the tent was finally up she got some of her tuff out the car and took it to the tent. She unwrapped her brand new sleeping bag, unzipped the zips, and crawled in. She closed her eyes, her body was telling her it didn't want to keep going. Landon was getting pissed at her; she could tell by the tone in his voice, he was sick of her attitude. She didn't care though, she almost wanted him to get mad at her, push her away because then she wouldn't have to do the same thing to him. She knew there was going to come a time when she would have to push him away too; she couldn't let anyone get close to her.

When she woke up Landon was gone and she could hear music playing. She crawled out the tent and looked around. The main stage was lit up; the opening night concert had started.

She couldn't find Landon in the crowd of people, though she didn't look all that hard. She stood at the back of the crowd and listened to the music. There were people around her dancing, if it had been another time, another place she might have joined them but she didn't. An hour passed, still no sign of Landon, she was almost glad though, he was starting to get too close. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She spun around fast, she didn't like people touching her, it wasn't Landon who'd tapped her though it was Tom and Dave.

"Hey Shelby," Tom smiled, "how's it going? Where is your mate?"

"Don't know," Erin said smiling at the boys, "I think he's ditched me."

"Ditched you?" Tom seemed surprised but she saw Dave give him a nudge in the shoulder, "Well don't worry you can hang with us."

She spent the evening with these boys, pretending to be someone she wasn't, when the concert finished she went back to their tent and drank their beers. At some point she stumbled back to her tent, passed out. She slept for twelve hours straight; when she woke she had a splitting headache and was sober. Her first thought was to get another beer. She knew she was developing quite a problem but she didn't care. She crawled out the tent. Landon was sitting outside drinking.

"Afternoon," he said to her as she stumbled to her feet, "where were you last night?"

"Around," she said reaching the cooler; she pulled out a can and cracked the top. Taking a big long gulp she walked to their other chair and sat down, "where were you?"

"Around."

They both took long gulps of their beers, looked briefly at each other and turned away. They didn't talk, conversation was no longer required between them, neither had the energy for small talk and neither wanted to talk about the heavy stuff. It was hot, and the humidity high, the air almost felt damp. Erin held the beer to her head, willed it to take the pain and the heat away but all it did was make the beer warm. She got up and dragged the cooler closer, got another beer. An hour passed, Erin drank and she thought about what she was going to do with herself, what she was going to do about Jay and Voight, about the life she had left in Chicago. Could she walk away from it all? She wanted to, she wanted to run so bad.

"I'm not going back with you," she said glancing at Landon. He didn't look surprised at her words, he seemed to just shrug.

"Are you sure?" he asked looking over at her, "I won't make you go back there but you'll hurt a lot of people."

"I know," she said looking away from him again, "but better they get hurt now and live. They'll get over it, they're better off without me."

"Erin, you don't honestly believe that do you?"

"Yeah," she said and took a long slow breath, she'd been thinking about it a lot, "every one I've ever cared about gets hurt eventually. It will be better this way." She put the can to her mouth and gulped down the last of the beer, stood up. "I'm going for a walk."

She walked away from Landon, away from the hard discussion he wanted to have. She didn't want to talk about it, for now she'd made up her mind, she could change it later if she wanted but not now. As she made her way through the camp site the dampness in the air finally turned to rain. Big heavy drops of warm summer rain began to fall. People around her began running for cover, running to get their things out of the weather but she didn't move. Instead she closed her eyes and looked up, somewhere off in the distance she could hear thunder rumbling.

* * *

 **AN: Jay is on his way I promise.**


	4. Chapter 4

It didn't take long for the big slow drops of rain to turn to a heavy down pour. Erin made no attempt to get out of the weather, she just kept walking. Her clothes became soaked, and the ground beneath her feet turned to mud. A few young guys with their shirts off ran past her carrying the lids to coolers. She followed them and soon found herself standing with a bunch of other festival goers at a makeshift mud slide. They were taking run ups and then using the cooler lids as boards.

There was an excited energy in the air, no one was letting the rain get to them, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Erin let out a long slow breath and tried to steady herself, she didn't want to have fun, she didn't want to allow herself to any enjoyment. She didn't deserve to feel happy. She went to walk away from the crowd, to find a place she could sit by herself but as fate would have it she turned and walked straight into Tom and Dave.

"Hey Shelby," Tom smiled, "have you come to play in the mud too?"

"I was just leaving," she said making a move to step away but Tom stepped back getting in her way.

"Oh, how come?" he said still smiling, "it'll be fun. I'll let you use my lid?" He looked at her like a lost little puppy dog begging for attention. She looked back at the mass of people, at the ever increasing mud puddle. It did look fun, and there was this tiny part inside of her that wanted to try it.

"Okay," she said, "I'll come with you."

She walked with the two boys back to the crowd. Tom went first; there was a child like excitement in him. He took a run up, then dived down, he slid across the mud slick, whooping with excitement. When he turned around he was beaming. He ran back to them and handed the lid to Erin.

"Your turn," he said still smiling. Erin took the lid but she still wasn't sure about it, she walked slowly to the que where people were waiting for their turn but before she could go the venues loud speaker kicked into action.

"Attention all festival goes," a man's voice boomed across the site, "we wish to advise you there is an active tornado warning for the county. In the interest of everyone's safety this evening performances have been cancelled. We ask you all to return to your cars or tents. Further information will be provided when available."

The announcement ended and for a moment everyone was silent, then the crowd started moving. There were people who were scared; there were people who were mad the concert had been cancelled.

"Like our tents are going to protect us from a tornado," she heard several people say.

"They're soft," she heard others say; "it's just a bit of rain."

Tom and Dave were leaning more towards the first group. She handed Tom back the lid to his cooler. "Have you got somewhere safe to go?" he asked her.

"I got a tent," she said shrugging.

"That's not going to do much if a tornado comes through here," he said back.

"No it won't," she said agreeing. The truth was she didn't really care, the idea of a tornado kind of excited her, she didn't really care if the storm came through and flattened her. If that happened it would be what she deserved.

"How about you two?" she asked as they began to walk back to their tents.

"We've got family a couple hours away," Dave said, "we're thinking of heading there for the night."

"You think driving in this is safe?" she asked. The rain was coming down heavy and constant, every now and then you could hear a crack of thunder but not see the lightening.

"Safer than staying in a tent," Dave said and he looked over at Tom.

"Do you want to come with us?" Tom asked, "we're going to leave the rest of our stuff here so they'll be room in the car."

Erin thought about it briefly, the idea of not sleeping the storm out in a tent seemed appealing. "Okay," she said, "I'll come with you."

"Awesome," Tom said smiling, "we're going to head off really soon so if you need to get anything from your tent go get it."

"I don't need anything," she said and she kept walking with the boys. At their camp site she watched them quickly put everything that could be blown away either inside the tent or in the car. They seemed to know what they were doing, in less than ten minutes they were pulling out of the camp site.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Tom asked her again as they drove slowly past the other tents.

"Yeh, I'm good," she said, though she didn't have her phone or her wallet with her. She could make do without, she didn't want to go back to her tent, she didn't want to talk to Landon, she didn't want to finish the conversation they'd started earlier.

As they drove the storm got heavier. The rain hit the windshield so fast the wipers could barely keep it clear. The sky was black with storm clouds, day looked like night, Erin could feel the adrenalin pumping through her body. She'd never seen a storm like this before, and the part of her body that wanted danger was loving it. She wasn't scared, she almost wanted something to happen; she wanted to get hurt because physical pain was easier to deal with. She understood physical pain. The countryside raced past them, they'd been on the road an hour. The thunder was getting louder and they were starting to see bolts of lightning off in the distance.

It was a straight stretch of road, lined on one side with big tall trees. The bolt of lightning struck the tree and then it was falling. They had no time to react, not even enough time to scream, they hit the tree going seventy miles an hour.

…

Erin opened her eyes, it was dark outside, she didn't remember it getting dark. It was still raining, rain was pouring in through the mangled wreck of the car. It occurred to her she should try and get out, get help. She tried to open the door but that one little twist sent pain shooting all over her body. She stopped trying to move and just closed her eyes again. It occurred to her that maybe she was dying; the idea of dying almost made her smile.

…

Jay woke up in the middle of the night to a clap of thunder so loud it made the windows of his home rattle. His heart was racing and he was covered in a cold sweat, he'd been dreaming, having a nightmare but he couldn't remember it. He lay back down and tried to go back to sleep but the storm kept raging and he couldn't relax.

…

Bright lights shone in Erin's eyes, cold hands touched her neck and the side of her face. A soft kind voice spoke to her.

"My name is Nadia, I'm a paramedic. I'm here to help you. We're going to get you out."

 _Nadia?_ Erin tried to turn her head to the voice, she was confused, she didn't know what was going but those same cold hands held her still.

"Don't move sweetie," the soft voice told her, "you've been in an accident. I need you to stay as still as possible." She tried to nod okay but the hands still held her head firmly in place. "We're going to put a collar around your neck now. It's going to be uncomfortable but it is there to help you."

More hands appeared more people who she could hear but not see. The collar they put around her neck was ridged and uncomfortable. She tried to lift her arm to move it but someone reached out and took her hands.

"The collar needs to stay on," a new voice told her, "can you squeeze me hands?" She squeezed down hard on the hands. "Good," the voice said, "now you can let go."

She let go of the hands and her arms fell to her sides. All around her she could hear loud noises, banging and scraping, breaking glass and crumpling metal. Through all of it the voice _Nadia_ kept talking to her, telling her it was going to be okay, telling her to hang on. She closed her eyes again, her head felt full and fuzzy, she drifted back into nothingness.

…

When Jay's alarm clock went off he was wide awake and a tired uneasy filled him. His gut instinct told him something wasn't right. It had been four days since he'd spoken to Erin, he wasn't supposed to call her, he was supposed to be giving her the space she wanted but he needed to speak to her, he needed to know she was okay. He dialled her number but it went straight through to voicemail. That didn't surprise him, but it didn't help shake the feeling something wasn't right.

At the station he went straight to Mouse, "I know you've been monitoring Erin's bank and credit card accounts for Voight," he said to his friend.

"No I'm not," Mouse said almost jumping out of his seat, "that would be illegal."

"I know you're doing it," Jay said lowering his voice, "I've got a bad feeling. I need to know when she last used them."

Mouse looked uncomfortable but he spun around on his chair anyway and began entering information into his computer. "Last time she used her card was at a Walmart in Oklahoma a couple days ago," he said pointing to something in the screen. "Does that mean anything to you?"

"I don't know," Jay said trying to work out if there was anything significant to her not using her cards for a few days, "She said she was going to Rocklahoma it could be fine."

"I'm sure she's fine," Mouse said trying to offer some support, "you're not going to tell Voight what I showed you? That guy scares me sometime."

"You have my word," Jay smiled and he patted his friend on the back, "thanks,"

Upstairs he made a b-line for Voight's office, the door was open, he was open for conversation. Jay knocked on the door but didn't wait to be invited inside.

"Have you heard from Erin?" he asked.

Voight put his pen down looked up at him annoyed, "I said I'd tell you if she called, she hasn't."

"Aren't you worried about her?"

Voight let out a big sigh and closed the file he'd been working on, "shut the door, take a seat."

Jay shut the door, took a seat, Voight looked at him earnestly, "I am worried," he said, "but you don't know Erin like I do. She's done this before. I'd thought she'd grown out of it but it would seem not. You need to let her work it out of her system. If you try and force her back before she's ready she'll just dig her heals in and pull away more."

Jay didn't like what he was hearing, he didn't like just sitting there waiting, "How can you be so calm?" he asked.

"Practice," Voight said giving him an almost smile, "Erin ran away a lot when she was young but she always came back. She'll come back this time too."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know Erin," Voight said and he stood up, "come on we've got work to do."

…

 _Three days later_

Jay pulled the address Landon had given him out his pocket; he checked it again against the bar he was parked in front of, this was the place. This was where Landon had said he'd be able to find Erin. He climbed out the car and walked to the bar. It was an average bar he thought, kind of dungy, nothing hip about it, not a place he'd choose to go. He opened the door and there was Bunny, Erin's mother standing behind the counter.

"Jay," she said not smiling at him, "Erin's not here."

"I can wait," he said and he took a seat away from the bar.

"You'll be waiting a long time," Bunny called over to him, "she ain't here."

"Whatever." He was going to wait, he didn't trust Bunny and he didn't believe the words coming out her mouth, Erin was going to be there, she had to be. He'd been waiting a week, he couldn't wait any longer. But wait he did, for two hours he sat there sipping on a single beer, waiting and watching the people come and go from the bar. He was prepared to wait there all night but finally Landon arrived.

"Where's Erin?" he asked walking straight up to the guy Erin seemed to call a friend.

"Don't know," Landon said walking past him to the bar. Bunny had the beer on the counter before he reached it; he took a swig and turned back to Jay.

Jay looked pissed, "what do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean, I don't know she ditched me at the festival. I don't know where she is."

"What?!" Jay felt everything inside of him twist slightly, that bad feeling he had came back hard and fast, "when did you last see her?"

"A few days ago," Landon said taking another sip of beer, "she said she wasn't coming back with me and then she walked off. Left her phone and wallet behind even."

"That didn't strike you as odd?"

"No," Landon said shaking his head, "she's a big girl; she can take care of herself."

Jay wanted to yell at the guy, he wanted to say something hurtful but the guy wasn't good enough for his words. He looked over at Bunny; she was standing back watching them, an almost smug look on her face.

"You're both terrible," he said looking from one to the other, "you're supposed to be looking after her."

He walked out the bar with his anxiety at fever pitch, he needed Erin, he needed to find her. He hopped in his car and started driving but he didn't go home, he drove past the station, the light was still on in Voight's office. He stopped the car and made his way to his superior's office.

"I need to take some time off," he said as he walked through the open door into Voight's office.

Voight looked up at him and let out a loud sigh, "why?" he asked, "I've already told you, you need to give Erin space."

"I'm sick of giving her space," Jay said feeling frustrated, "no one has heard from her in a week and I can't shake the feeling something terrible has happened. I need to find her."

Voight looked back at him, he looked annoyed, and frustrated, but also resign to the inevitable, "fine, take furlough, see if you can find her but I'm telling you if she doesn't want to be found you're going to have your work cut out for you."

"I know," Jay said, he wasn't at all naive about what he was getting himself into, "but I can't keep sitting here waiting."

He walked back to his car and drove to his home; he packed a bag and was on the road that night.

* * *

 **AN: Jay is on the road** **J** **. Would love it if you could leave some reviews. Happy to hear any feedback or suggestions or requests** **J**


	5. Chapter 5

Jay drove non-stop for three hours before common sense kicked in. He couldn't drive through the night it was dangerous and would leave him feeling wreaked come morning. He needed a plan; he needed to work out where exactly he was going. He pulled over at a highway hotel, checked out a room, then walked to the twenty-four hour McDonalds next door to buy dinner.

Back in his room he sat at the small dining table with his burger, fries, and coke and the road atlas he kept in his car. He was just passed Springfield Illinois; if he got a good run tomorrow and didn't stop he could make it to Pryor by late afternoon. He didn't think Erin would still be in the town, if she'd ditched Landon at the festival it probably meant she'd hitched a ride with someone somewhere else. Where though was the question? He tried to think back to every conversation they'd ever had, had she ever mentioned a place she'd want to run to? The only other city she'd ever mentioned was New York but he couldn't see her running there. Finding her was going to be like looking for a needle in a hay stack, his only hope was happening across someone who'd seen her, who could point him in the right direction. Voight was right; he was going to have his work cut out for him.

He went to bed with his mind still racing, now he knew Erin was actually missing, that there was no one who knew where she was he couldn't shake that gut feeling she needed help. He didn't sleep well, in the morning he work early, showered and stopped long enough to get himself a large black coffee and then he was on the road.

He reached St Louis in record time but didn't stop; mentally he counted off the towns as he passed them. As he got further south he began to see the signs of destruction left by the storm. There were fallen trees and downed branches at random intervals. When he stopped for a quick lunch in a random small town all the locals sitting near him were talking about was the storm that had gone through earlier that week. They were counting loss of stock, loss of crops, property and lives. Jay kept his head down and ate as fast as he could, he didn't ask any questions, if he had they might have been able to help but, he wanted to get back on the road, he didn't think to ask the random locals in the random town he'd stopped at.

He kept driving and a little over an hour out of Pryor he passed what he could only assume was the scene of a fatal accident. There was marks spray painted all over the road and on the side was a massive tree cut up into smaller pieces and a mass of flowers and other things, teddy bears, cards, sports gurneys. He slowed down as he passed but he didn't stop, if he had he would have seen his first clue to where Erin was but he didn't know, so he kept driving. He didn't want to think something like the accident he was seeing had happened to Erin.

He arrived in Pryor a little after five feeling exhausted and hungry. He would have loved nothing more than to have lied down but that wasn't why he was there, he hadn't been driving like a mad man all day, only to fall asleep once he reached his destination. He would eat though, and while was eating he'd work out what his first move would be, where he would ask for help first. He pulled into the parking lot of Denny's, Denny's was safe, there wouldn't be any surprises in a place like that.

There was a little stand with tourist brochures near the entrance, he picked up some flyers, as well as a newspaper which was two days old, and took a seat. He only had to glance at the menu to know what he wanted to eat, he'd been there so many times over the years he had his favourite foods.

While he waited for his food he began reading the newspaper. The headline across the front page read, 'Death toll from storm rises to 5.' An elderly couple had been killed when a tree had fallen down on top of their home, a middle aged man had fallen off his roof while trying to fix a leak, and two young college students had been killed when a tree had fallen across the road in front of them. The article talked about the people who'd died but also about the accidents which had led to their deaths, the author was using the article to try and educate people on things they could do to keep themselves safe in a big storm. As he read about the accident that killed the two young men, he read the sentence 'an as yet unidentified woman remains in hospital with critical injuries'. He read the sentence again, and began to feel his heart begin to race, a lump formed in his throat and, his hands broke out in a sweat, was that woman Erin? It couldn't be her surely he thought but he knew it could.

When the waitress brought his food over he asked her, "do you know if they've identified the woman from this accident?"

"No," the waitress said shaking her head, "the police station down the road might know."

Jay ate his food quickly, he didn't enjoy it, there was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach but he knew if he didn't eat he'd be feeling worse for it later. He cleaned his plate, left his tip and hit the road again; it only took a minute to reach the police station. He walked inside and introduced himself to the officer working the front desk.

"Hi I'm Jay Halstead. I'm a detective up in Chicago." He said hoping telling them he was also an officer would make them more inclined to help him, "I'm looking for a friend, she went missing a few days ago. The last place anyone saw her was at Rocklahoma." The woman behind the desk nodded at him, he reached for his phone and pulled up the photos, "This is her picture," he said showing the woman a photo he'd taken of Erin about a month ago. The woman looked at the photo and raised an eyebrow.

"Can I borrow that?" she said pointing to the phone, "I want to show some of the guys out back."

"Sure," Jay let the officer take his phone and disappear somewhere out the back

It felt like she was gone forever, he paced uneasily as he waited for her to return, started reading the wanted posters on the notice board. When she came back there were two other officers with her.

"This your friend?" one of the other officers asked.

"Yeah," Jay said stepping forward, "have you seen her?"

"Maybe," the officer said handing the phone back, "there was an accident a few night ago during the storm. There was a woman looked a bit like your friend, pulled out of the wreck, she didn't have any ID on her, and lost consciousness before anyone could get a name. I just phoned the hospital, they're still trying to ID her. I can't say for sure but she could be your friend."

"Okay," Jay said, his mind already starting to race again, "where is she?"

"She was air lifted to St Louis General."

...

Jay walked back to his car, he could feel himself trembling slightly all over, the adrenalin was pumping through his body. He had a lead, but it wasn't the lead he was wanting. His mind was racing trying to imagine how hurt she could be, if she wasn't able to tell them who she was his mind told him that had to be bad. He'd seen the aftermath of the accident he was almost certain she was a part of and it didn't look good. The newspaper had said the two young men had been killed instantly; they hadn't gone into details about the woman's injuries other than to say they were critical.

It was a five hour drive back to St Louis, five hours for Jay's mind to lead him down a dozen horrible scenarios. When he passed the scene of the accident a shiver went through his body. He kept driving, and as he drove he tried to work out what he was going to do, how he was going to help Erin. He began trying to brace himself for the crazy list of injuries she could have, it both scared and overwhelmed him to think of all the possibilities. The only thing he worked out was he was willing to do whatever it took, he'd put aside his own career for her if he had to. He'd take care of her but he hoped it wouldn't come down to that.

He was both physically and mentally exhausted when he reached the hospital Erin could be at. He had mixed feelings about it being her, on one side he didn't want it to be her, he didn't want her to be hurt and broken, but if it wasn't her he'd be back to square one, back to the start, no leads and another day gone. If it was her, the hard stuff was only just beginning.

He followed the signs to the ICU, it was almost midnight and the hospital had an eerily empty feeling to it. At the entrance to the ward a woman sat behind a counter. You couldn't just walk into the ICU, there were protocols and procedures you needed to follow to be allowed in. He introduced himself and she smiled at him, she said someone had phoned a head for him, that they were expecting him and she'd page the doctor for him.

"I hope she is your friend," the woman said while they waited, "no one should have to go through what she is going through alone."

"Yeah," Jay said feeling uncomfortable. He was glad when the doctor finally arrived and he could enter the ward proper. They stopped at a hand basin to wash their hands and then walked down a short corridor to where all the patients were. The rooms were spread in an almost circle with the nurses station in the middle. There was an illusion of privacy, each patient had a room but the walls were made of glass, a design that meant a staff member could always see every patient.

"She's down here," the doctor said leading him to the only room that had its curtains drawn, "we've had to keep her very heavily sedated," the doctor started telling him, "so there is a machine helping her breath and…" he seemed to cut his sentence off short, "if she's your friend I can tell you more. Are you ready?"

"Yeah," he said knowing waiting wasn't going to make it any easier. He took a deep breath and they stepped into the room, through the curtain.

His eyes were drawn to the woman lying in the bed. At first glance he didn't recognise her as Erin, and for the briefest of moments he let himself think that maybe it wasn't her but then he looked closer. He walked right up to her and looked at her face. She had a small cut above her eye and a couple more on her cheeks, there was the breathing tube the doctor warned him about, her eyes were closed but there was no doubt it was her.

"Erin," he said reaching out and touching the side of her face. As he pulled his hand away he drew his eyes down the rest of her body. A sheet lay somewhat awkwardly over her, covering as much of her as they could but her injuries left much of her exposed. There were metal frames attached to her pelvis, and both her legs.

"Is it her?" he heard the doctor ask.

"Yes," he said looking back up at the doctor, "her name is Erin, Erin Lindsay."

"Good," the doctor said almost smiling at him, "let's go outside and we can have a talk."

"Okay," Jay said looking back at Erin, he reached out and touched her hand, squeezed it, he didn't want to leave her again, not when he'd only just found her but he knew what the doctor would have to say was important.

They walked out the room, and down a small corridor, to an office, on the way the doctor picked up a stack of paperwork. They sat in chairs facing each other; the doctor gave him the paperwork and asked him to fill out as much as he could. He looked down at the papers and groaned a little inside, it was identification and insurance junk. He pushed the papers aside.

"I'll fill them out later," he said looking up at the doctor, "tell me about her condition. Is she going to be okay?"

"For now we are cautiously optimistic, that with time she will make a full recovery but she's got a long road ahead of her and there are many variables in play which could alter the outcome." Jay nodded listening to what the doctor had to say. "Right now she is in a serious but stable condition; she's fought hard over the last few days to get to that point. If we'd had this conversation yesterday the outlook wouldn't have been so positive but she's starting to come good?"

"What do you mean?" Jay asked he was starting to lose what the doctor was saying.

"She was difficult to stabilise," the doctor said in a matter of fact way, "in the accident she sustained serious trauma to her feet, ankles, knees, legs, pelvis, and abdomen. There was a lot of blood loss and she's required multiple surgeries to stop the bleeding and repair the damage. There was a period of time where we thought she wasn't going to make it but she held on and now she's starting to improve. Your friend's a fighter."

"Yeah," Jay said thinking back to the Erin he knew. The Erin he knew was a fighter but the one he'd seen in the days before she'd left he wasn't so sure about. He hoped that this was a sign the 'real' Erin was still there and was coming back.

"Does your friend have any family we need to notify?" The doctor asked snapping him from his thoughts.

"Yeah," Jay said reaching for his phone, "her father. I'll call him, can you stay here, he'll probably have some questions."

"Of course," the doctor smiled at him. Jay dialled Voight's number, he didn't have Bunny's number and he doubted he'd call her even if he did.

...

Voight lay awake in bed. It was after midnight and he was tired but he couldn't sleep. On the outside he was doing an amazing job of looking like he was okay, of appearing calm and together, like he wasn't worried sick about Erin. Inside though he was a mess and now that night had fallen and he was alone his mind was racing. As a police officer he'd seen too many worse case scenarios. It didn't take much for his imagination to go there and he had to constantly shake his head and tell himself that wasn't going to happen to Erin. She was going to be fine, she was just blowing off steam, she'd come back and she'd be better for it.

He remembered the last time she ran away. She was eighteen, it was the summer after she graduated high school, she had no direction and was generally being difficult and rebellious. She'd gone out with some friends drinking and partying. There had been drugs at the party, Erin hadn't taken any but some of her friends did and that night one of them took a fatal overdose. Erin had found them passed out in a corner, she'd been the one to try and save them, she'd called the ambulance and done CPR. She'd done everything she could and for a while it seemed like it might have been enough. When her friend was put in the ambulance her heart was beating but it wasn't enough. For three days Erin paced the corridors of the hospital waiting for news, praying that her friend would wake up. But after three days of waiting the decision was made to turn the life support off. The decision shook Erin to the core and sent her spiralling fast into a dark hole. She blamed herself for her friend's death, and her friend's family blamed her too. They wouldn't let her see her friend, she wasn't allowed to say goodbye. Instead she spent hours and hours at the police station being hammered with questions.

He'd tried to protect her, help her, but there was nothing he could do. She drunk herself stupid and then when things were at their worse, she ran away. She was gone for six weeks. Through all that time he'd been worried sick about her. He'd searched for her and even found her after a week but she wasn't ready to come back and it only made her run further. He couldn't find her a second time but after six weeks she'd come back on her own. Sober and more determined than ever to make a difference and do what was right. He was holding tight on to that image of Erin. He had to believe she would come back like that again, but it didn't stop the worrying or the thoughts keeping him up at night.

When his phone started ringing he jumped, a shiver ran through him. Phone calls at this hour were never good news, when he saw it was Jay calling him he gulped even harder.

"Hello, Voight," he said answering the phone.

"It's Jay," he heard the young man say, "I've found Erin. You need to get to St Louis as soon as possible. She's been in an accident, she's hurt real bad."

"How bad?" he asked trying to stop his mind racing in its tracks.

"The doctor will tell you," he heard Jay say and then another man was talking to him.

The doctor began describing to him a series of injuries, a list of treatments. At some point he stopped listening to the doctors words. He'd heard enough to know the situation was dire. That he needed to be with her. He was already out of bed and getting dressed when the doctor finished talking, asked him if he had any questions.

"Yes," he said, "but not now. I'm on my way. We can talk in person."

He hung up the phone and began throwing things into a bag, socks, jocks, a T-Shirt, pair of pants, phone charger, phone, wallet. He was out the door and on the road in less than ten minutes. The fatigue he'd felt earlier was gone, at least for now the adrenaline was pumping through him making him feel awake and alert. It was a five hour drive to St Louis, if he drove through the night he could be there by morning.

* * *

 **AN: Jay has arrived and Voight is on the road.** **Would love it if you could leave some reviews. Happy to hear any feedback or suggestions or requests**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thank you all so much for the reviews on the last update. Sorry this update took so long. I've been dealing with some personal shit and the best way I know how to deal is to keep myself busy which means less time for writing. I'll try to not leave it quite so long next time.**

* * *

Jay walked with the doctor back to Erin's room. The curtains were open now and he could see her before he even reached her. She looked so small in the big bed and it twanged at his heart. He'd been told her could spend the night as long as he didn't get in the way. If anything started to go wrong he'd have to move fast. He said that wouldn't be a problem, he just wanted to be with her. He pulled a chair up beside her bed and sat down. He took her hand in his, held it and leant forward. He rested his head on the edge of the bed closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep.

…

Voight could feel his eyes getting heavy as he sped down the highway. He'd been driving for two hours and his body was telling him it was time to stop. He didn't want to stop though. He tried to push through but when he almost ran himself off the road he knew he was being stupid. The last thing Erin needed right now was him causing an accident. He pulled over at the next 24 hour truck stop; made sure his doors were locked and closed his eyes. His intention was to give himself fifteen minutes but instead he fell asleep for an hour. He woke to the sound of a truck horn blearing. It made him jump and for a second he forgot where he was, why he was there. When it came back to him he swore again for wasting time. He climbed out the car, walked into the truck stop and brought the largest black coffee he could. Then he was back on the road.

Those last three hours were some of the hardest hours of driving he'd ever done. He used every trick he could think of to stay awake, windows down, radio blearing. He was relieved when he finally hit the outskirts of St Louis. It was still early enough for the traffic to not be too heavy. The first hint of light was just starting to fill the sky when he reached the hospital.

He walked inside and made his way to the ICU. There was an annoying woman at a counter by the door who wouldn't let him in. He got frustrated at her and she almost called security on him. He was over tired and not ready to deal with difficult people. Then the door opened a little.

"Voight," he heard his name and turned to the door, there was Jay holding it open, "I thought I could hear you. Come on back."

He exchanged a dirty look with the woman and followed Jay into the ward. At the hand basin they stopped to wash their hands and exchange their first real words to each other.

"How is she?" Hank asked.

"The same," Jay said giving a shrug, "the doctor just finished checking on her. He said he'd be back in an hour to go over some things with us."

"Alright," Hank nodded, he looked around. He was too tired to make conversation, "where is she?"

"Down here."

They walked down the corridor and deeper into the ward. Hank saw Erin before he reached her. Through the glass window he could see her lying in bed, her body broken, a machine breathing for her. He knew all those things would be there, the doctor had mentioned them over the phone but knowing they're there and actually seeing them were two different things. He had to give himself a good mental kick before he could go in the room. He was her family and she needed him to keep it together.

"You get used to it," Jay said sensing his discomfort, "are you ready?"

"Yeah," Hank said giving himself a shake. Jay opened the door and he followed him inside.

"Hey Erin I'm back," Jay said walking up to the side of the bed. He took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. "I've got someone else here to see you too."

Hank stepped forward, "Can she hear us?" he asked.

"Maybe," Jay said shrugging, "I like to think she can but no one really knows."

Hank nodded and stepped toward the other side of the bed, he pulled up a chair but he didn't sit down, not at first. "Erin," he said reaching down and touching the side of her face. He didn't know what to say to her; there was all the sappy stuff he could say, all the things he wanted her to know but would never actually say out loud but he didn't want to say those things, not in front of Jay. "It's Hank, I'm here now," he said instead, "I'm not going anywhere." He sat down in his chair, looked over at Jay. They exchanged a smile but neither of them knew what to say. This, the two of them, together with Erin between them in a situation so removed from work, it was uncharted territory for both of them.

Hank began to catalogue everything he could see of Erin and the injuries she'd sustained. There were tubes and wires leading out from under the sheet, attached to monitors or heading to bags collecting fluids. He knew what most of them were, when Camille had been sick she'd had most of them attached to her at one time or another. Those things didn't worry him. He knew they were all there to monitor her and make sure she was okay. The metal frames attached to her lower body worried him more because he didn't know what they all meant.

Jay watched Hank take in Erin's appearance. He could see him trying to process everything much like he'd done the night before. He thought he should say something but he didn't know what to say, small talk just seemed so pointless, but eventually the silence got to him.

"Did you drive all night to get here?" he asked.

Hank looked up at him, there was a tired dazed look in his eyes, "Yeah," he said, "I had to stop for a break halfway but yeah. I drove all night."

"I was here," Jay said, "I couldn't stand the thought of leaving."

"Did you get much sleep?"

"No," Jay said and he started yawning as if to prove his point. "I never thought this would happen. I thought I'd find her strung out in a dive bar somewhere. I never thought I'd find her like this."

"I thought she'd come back better. That she would sought her shit out and come back stronger. I never considered this happening."

They both looked down at Erin, at her broken body. They could sense the pain she was in, the struggle which was coming for all of them.

Hank's phone started ringing, he glanced down at the ID, "It's Al," he said standing up and stepping out the room.

"Go for Voight," he said as he closed the door behind him.

"Where are you?" Alvin's voice spoke, "everyone is at the station waiting for you."

"St Louis," he said realising he'd forgot to tell anyone where he was, "Halstead found Lindsay. She's been in an accident, she's hurt pretty bad."

"How bad?" Al asked the concern evident in his voice.

"I don't know yet, we're waiting for the doctors," he said sucking in a deep breath, "will you and Antonio hold down the fort? I'll call as soon as we have more information."

"Yeah of course," Al said his voice sounding a little distant, "we'll look after things here."

"Thanks Al," Hank said looking back into Erin's room, "I'll be in touch."

"Tell Erin we're thinking of her."

"Will do. I've got to go," he hung up the phone and walked back into Erin's room. "That was Alvin," he said to Jay as he walked in, "They'll take care of the unit while we're gone."

"Good," Jay said though he didn't really care if the unit fell in a heap, in light of everything, work seemed unimportant. The room drifted off into silence again, it was a welcome relief when the doctor finally arrived. He asked them both to wait outside; that he needed to check Erin's wounds and change her dressings. Neither of them wanted to leave though and the doctor didn't push the point, instead he just got to work. He started with her legs and worked his way up, carefully examining each insertion point. When it came to checking her abdomen Hank found he had to look away. Erin was more exposed than he'd ever seen her; it made him feel uncomfortable to see her like that. Jay didn't flinch though, he didn't look away, he'd seen Erin exposed before and he hopped there would be a time in their future where he could see her like that again. For now he just wanted to see as much as he could.

Her body was black and blue, like one massive bruise. There was a surgical incision running the length of her body and more little cuts and scrapes. It looked horrible but he didn't take his eyes off her until the doctor was finished and covering her again.

"Everything looks good," the doctor said looking to both of them, "let's go outside and we can talk some more."

"We'll be back soon," Jay said turning to Erin, he gave her hand a little squeeze and followed the doctor out the room.

Hank hang back just slightly, "I'll be back soon," he told her and he bent down and kissed her forehead.

He followed the others out the room and down the corridor to a small room with chairs in it. They sat with Jay and Hank beside each other and the doctor facing them.

"I suppose you've got lots of questions," the doctor said beginning the conversation, "should we start there? What do you want to know?"

"Everything," Hank said looking straight at the doctor, "I want to know what happened, what she's been through and what happens next."

"Okay," the doctor said, letting out a slow breath, "before I start I want you to know right now she's doing okay. She's come a long way."

"Just get on with it," Hank said annoyed at the doctors apparent stalling, "if Erin's lived through it we sure as hell can listen to it."

"Okay," the doctor said and he began laying out the facts. "The accident she was in was a head on collision with a tree. The two young men in the front were killed on impact but she survived thanks mainly to wearing a seatbelt. The seatbelt stopped her going through the windshield but it contributed to some of her injuries. People at the scene made the call to have her airlifted here early. The chopper was waiting when they extracted her from the car. I've been told she was slipping in and out of consciousness during this time, by the time she made it here she was fully sedated. She has massive internal haemorrhaging and multiple fractures. Her saving grace may have been her head injury was relatively minor."

"Minor?" Hank asked nothing he was hearing so far sounded minor.

"She had a nasty concussion but didn't require any surgical intervention to her brain. It allowed us to focus on her other injuries. When she arrived she'd already lost a lot of blood and was still bleeding heavily. She was taken straight to surgery where we tried to stop as much of the bleeding as we could as fast as we could. Her spleen was removed, part of her bowel was resected, the external fixation was used to stabilise the fractures to her pelvis, femur, tibia and fibula. She was too unstable for us to complete our repairs. We had to enact our damage control protocols. She was taken back to the ICU where for the next 36 hours we administered medications and blood products in order to stabilise her. At this point she was in a critical condition and we weren't sure if she would pull through. She rallied though and got through the second surgery without any further complications. We're continuing to closely monitor her, she is by no means out of danger yet, there are a number of complications she is still at risk of but she's holding strong."

"What complications?" Hank asked, he'd taken in what the doctor had told them, he understood enough of it.

"Infection, blood clots, and secondary swelling are the things we're most concerned about but we're doing everything we can to make sure they don't happen."

"Okay," Hank nodded, "What's going to happen now? When can we get her back to Chicago?"

"My best guess is she might be strong enough to tolerate the trip to Chicago in four to six weeks."

"Four to six weeks?" Hank asked raising his eyebrows, "why so long?"

"The nature of her injuries mean it's best if she doesn't endure any unnecessary movement but there is a lot which could happen in that time. For now we need to focus on what happens next. We're going to be running some more tests this afternoon and if everything goes well we'll hopefully be able to lift her sedation in the next day or two. From there we'll be able to make further assessments of her injuries. At the very least she will need one more surgery to remove the external fixators but it is likely she'll require more."

"And this will fix her?" Hank asked, "do you think she'll make a full recovery?"

"All things going well I think she can make a full recovery but, there are a lot of things which need to happen for that to be achieved. She's got a long hard road ahead of her."

Jay listened to the words the doctor was saying but he didn't say a word. He didn't need to know all the details like Hank did, for him it was enough to know she was very sick but she was getting better. He cared more about the future than what had already happened.

"Is there anything we need to know?" the doctor asked, "any past medical history we should know about?"

"Yeah," Hank said glancing over at Jay, "she has a history of opiate addition, mainly heroin but she's taken other drugs as well."

"Okay," the doctor said noting the information. Hank looked for Jay's reaction, he didn't look surprised by what he'd said, he hoped that meant Erin had told him at some point and he wasn't just finding out now. It didn't really matter though the doctor needed to know. "Is there anything else I should know or you'd like to ask?"

"No," Hank said and he looked to Jay. Jay hadn't said a word the whole time.

"I'm good," Jay said as he stood up, "Can I go back now?"

…

They went back to Erin's room and resumed their vigil. They sat in the same seats and again the room was quiet. In their own minds they were still processing what the doctor had told them. They both had their phones out and were researching what the doctor had said. They were looking for any insight they could get into what lay on the road ahead. The only thing they really learnt though was there was no clear answer. The hours ticked by painfully slow, they made an attempt at small talk again but it just felt weird, almost wrong.

Around lunch time the doctor came back and said he needed to take Erin for a couple hours to run some scans and tests. He told them both they should go get some lunch. They didn't leave together, as soon as they could go their separate ways they did.

Jay brought a sandwich and a coffee from a little cart selling food. He found a place outside to sit and called his brother. He wanted Will's opinion on everything that was happening, his take as a doctor but also a brother. He wanted him to help things along, help facilitate Erin's transfer back to Chicago but unfortunately Will agreed with the doctor. For now it was in Erin's best interest to stay where she was. The hospital she was at was good and they'd be able to provide for her everything she needed.

Hank ended up in the cafeteria, he brought some slop which claimed to be chilli concern and found a table on his own to sit at. While he ate he made the call back to the unit. He updated them on Erin, then began the administrative task of finding people to cover for him, Jay and Erin at the unit. Doing something practical helped pass the time, it took a couple of hours to make all the phone calls, every time he spoke to someone new he had to tell them what happened. When he was done he walked back to Erin's room. Erin and Jay were already back there. Jay had a large pile of motorcycle magazines with him and was reading one out loud to Erin.

"Do you think she appreciates motorcycles?" he asked as the closest thing he'd had to a smile crossed his face.

"No," Jay said looking to him, "but I do and I thought she should learn."

Hank smiled and he stepped forward, picked up one of the magazines. "I tried to teach Erin about bikes when she was a teenager," he said flipping through the pages, "all she really cared about though was if it could go fast."

"You're into bikes?" Jay asked, he'd never pictured Hank as a motorcycle man.

"Not so much anymore but there was a time I could have told you anything."

"I had no idea," Jay smiled.

"There's a lot you don't know about me Halstead," Hank said and he took the magazine he was holding back to his seat.

"I guess there is," Jay nodded, "What was the first bike you owned?"

From there the conversation between the two men finally started flowing. They had found something to talk about that wasn't work and wasn't Erin, though stories of Erin did slip into the dialogue. The hours passed much quickly. It was almost a surprise when the doctor returned in the evening.

The doctor had a smile on his face. "We've reviewed Erin's test results," he said, "we want to lift her sedation tomorrow morning and see how she goes."

"That's great," Jay said giving Erin's hand a squeeze.

"It is," the doctor said nodding; "now I want both of you to go check into a hotel and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will be difficult and you need to be well rested."

They both tried to argue with the doctor. They didn't want to leave Erin but he was insistent and eventually they both agreed that getting some sleep would be best for everyone.

They walked out the hospital together but went separate ways when they reached the car park. They didn't discuss which hotel they were going to but neither of them was surprised when they both went to the same place, it was the closest hotel to the hospital.

Jay was ahead in the line; he got a key to a room and went back to his car to get his stuff. He was just walking back inside when Hank walked past him, with an angry, upset look across his face.

"Hank what's wrong?" he called.

"You got the last room," Hank called back and he kept walking.

It only took a moment for Jay to start running after him, "Hank wait!" he called out. Hank stopped walking, turned towards him. "We could share the room," Jay started saying, "this is the closest hotel, you should be here too. I'll sleep on the floor, I don't mind."

Hank looked back at him, a doubtful look across his face. He didn't really want to share a hotel room with Jay, the two of them had already spent way too much time together over the last 16 hours and would be spending a lot more in the coming weeks but he wanted to be close to the hospital. "Just for tonight," he said making his decision.

They walked together to the hotel room. Jay unlocked the door and they both let out a collective sigh of relief when they saw the room had two beds. They did their things to get ready for bed, they both took showers, changed into something comfortable. They were still awkward with each other but with time it was getting better. It was just as they were getting ready to go to sleep that Hank finally said what he'd been meaning to say all day.

"Jay thank you for finding Erin," he said.

Jay looked up at him, he felt a little uncomfortable by the unexpected thanks. "Thank you sir," Jay said, "I was just following my gut."

"I know," Hank said smiling, "You've got good instincts. I hate to think what would have happened if you'd been a few days later. I can't help thinking she wouldn't have phoned, that she might have insisted on doing this alone."

"Maybe," Jay said, he'd been thinking the same thing, "but it doesn't matter, we're here now."

* * *

 **AN: Erin's waking up :-)**


	7. Chapter 7

Hank and Jay walked to the hospital together, it was 7am and the city was already awake. The night and morning had so far been uneventful but they knew it wouldn't stay that way. They were becoming more comfortable in each other's presence, conversation was coming more easy.

At the hospital they met with the doctor. He explained to them what to expect. They'd ease her off the sedation slowly, when they were sure she was conscious enough to breath on her own they'd remove the ventilator. Then they'd ease the sedation further. He warned them that this stage might take time, that she might wake up quickly but it could take some hours for her to really wake up. He warned them it might be uncomfortable and difficult for all of them.

…

In Erin's room they waited, they watched for any sign she was waking up. Ten minutes passed, the doctor left, twenty minutes, the doctor came back, he checked some things.

"Is she okay?" Jay asked.

"She's fine," the doctor said reassuring them, "everything is still quite within normal range."

…

Pain, that was the first thing Erin felt, a pain that covered her whole body, an ache that intensified with every movement. Around her she could hear voices but the words were fuzzy.

"Erin it's time to wake up," Hank's voice came through the fuzz loud and clear. She felt his hand touch her shoulder and squeeze a little. "Erin we need you to wake up."

At his words, his touch, she moaned, "I don't feel good. I don't want to go to school today."

Hank let go of Erin's shoulder and looked to Jay. They both had the same look in their eyes, an 'oh crap' look. The doctor had prepared them for a lot of stuff but he'd said the head injury was minor, he'd never suggested she wouldn't remember what time it was.

"You don't have to go to school," Hank said trying to keep his voice level, "but I need you to open your eyes and wake up."

Erin turned her head towards Hank's voice and opened her eyes. The room she was in was bright and she knew immediately that it wasn't her room. Hank looked old and tired but he smiled at her. "Good girl," he said reaching down and brushing the side of her face. "Do you know what year it is?"

She thought it a strange question to ask but as she went to speak she realised she didn't know the answer. For the first time she felt scared, something was wrong with her. Then she heard another voice on the other side of her.

"Erin do you know who I am?"

She turned to the voice and there was Jay. Like a thunder clap everything came back to her. Nadia, Yates, her mother, the booze, the drugs, Landon, quitting her job, Rocklahoma, Dave, Tom, the storm, the accident. She couldn't remember the impact but she remembered coming to in the car, she remembered the pain. She tried to move but pain shot through her body.

"Erin?" Jay reached out and touched her hand. Carefully she moved her hand away, she didn't want him touching her.

"Jay."

She said his name and that was all he needed to hear. For a moment he felt relief and then the next words came out of her mouth.

"Go away, you shouldn't be here," she turned her head back to Hank. "You too," she said, "you're not supposed to be here."

"Erin," Jay reached out and touched her shoulder. She couldn't move away from that, all she could do was keep looking away.

"Go away," she said again, "I don't want you here."

It hurt to push them away, she didn't really want to be alone but she couldn't let anyone get close to her. They'd get hurt if they stayed and she didn't want them getting hurt.

"I'm not leaving," Jay said but then another voice spoke up.

"Perhaps you should both give her some space," the voice said, "come back in an hour."

"No," Jay said but then Hank spoke up.

"Come on Jay," he said, "let the doctor do his thing. We'll come back later." Hank and Jay both stood up. She heard them walk out the room but she couldn't lift her head enough to see them.

"Hello Erin, my name is Doctor Taylor," the voice said stepping into her field of vision. "I've been looking after you. How do you feel? Are you in any pain?"

"Yes," she said, "It hurts everywhere." She wanted pain killers; she wanted them to take her pain away, to make her feel completely numb.

"I'll arrange something for the pain shortly," the doctor said giving her a reassuring smile. "I just need you to answer some questions. Do you know where you are?"

"A hospital," she said hoping that was enough; she has no idea where the hospital was.

"Good. Do you remember what happened?"

"Yes," she said gulping, "there was a storm, the car hit a tree. Dave and Tom are they…" she couldn't say the word dead but the doctor seemed to understand her question.

"I'm sorry," he said and that was all she needed to hear, "they were killed on impact. Did you know them well?"

"No," she said shaking her head, "we only met at the festival." She closed her eyes; she could feel the emotion bubbling up inside of her, threatening to over flow. It was her fault they were dead, it was because of her.

"Okay," the doctor said making a note of everything she was saying, "Can you squeeze my hands for me?"

The doctor began asking her to do simple tests, squeezing hands, following lights with her eyes, remembering things, asking her questions. She passed all his tests fine, she was neurologically in tacked, physically was a different kettle of fish. He described her injuries to her and tried to outline what her recovery would look like, bed rest, surgery, and extensive rehabilitation. He said it would be difficult, that the recovery process would be long and painful but if she put in the work she could likely make a full recovery. She heard his words but she was barely listening, she was getting tired by the minute and her pain was getting worse. She didn't want to hear about her recovery, she wanted to be dead.

…

Hank and Jay walked out the ward together, they brought coffees and muffins from the cart Jay found the day before and found a place to sit together outside.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised she told us to leave," Jay said sipping his coffee.

"No," Hank said, a small smile across his face, "Erin's a firecracker. I'd be more concerned if there wasn't any fire in her."

"I guess," Jay said knowing what Hank said was true; "I just hope it doesn't take her too long to come back."

"Me too," Hank said and he gave Jay one of his warmest smiles. "She's not going to make it easy."

"No," Jay said as a thought crossed his mind, "at least she won't be able to run away this time."

…

Erin pressed the button on her new patient controlled analgesia, she was fairly sure she'd maxed out her dosage but she wanted to make sure. She wanted to be as numb as possible. Her whole body ached, even her arms which seemed to be the only part of her not injured ached when she tried to move them. Her muscles were stiff and the only way that was going to improve was if she moved them more. She didn't want to move though. She could see a clock on the wall. Jay and Hank would be back soon, she'd told them to go away but she knew they wouldn't stay away; they cared about her too much to just let her go. That was what made this so much harder, she cared about them too, she cared about them more than she cared about herself. She didn't want them to get hurt and she was certain that would happen if she let them stay close. She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

…

Erin was asleep when Hank and Jay made it back to her room. They'd ran into the doctor on the way there he'd told them she was neurologically in tacked, that all the sedatives were discontinued but some of the other medications she was on would still make her drowsy, that they needed to let her sleep so her body could heal.

They sat down in the chairs they were beginning to think of as theirs and continued their conversation, they didn't try to wake Erin up but they weren't exactly being careful not to wake her either. They were both still telling stories from their youth, the kind of stories that were probably inappropriate to be telling in their capacity as detective and sergeant but they were moving past that relationship. This wasn't about work; it was about Erin and being there for her even if she didn't want it.

…

Erin could hear Hank and Jay talking about motorcycles and cars. It sounded like they were bonding which she found both weird and troubling. Pushing them away on their own would be difficult but pushing them away together would be almost impossible. She kept her eyes closed and slept as much as possible. When she wasn't asleep she pretended to sleep and covertly press the button for more pain meds.

…

Jay watched as Erin's hand slowly moved towards the button which dispensed pain meds. He saw her press it but he didn't say anything. He waited for Hank to get up and use the bathroom. He wanted to try a one on one approach.

Erin heard the door to her room open and close. For a moment she thought she was alone then she heard Jay start talking to her.

"Erin open your eyes," Jay said to her, "I know you're not asleep." She kept her eyes closed. She wanted to be asleep. "Erin, come on," he said, and she felt him place his hand on her arm. "Erin please talk to me." She stayed still but then he pinched her. Reflex made her pull her arm away and her eyes opened.

Jay was sitting in the chair beside her bed. He looked tired but there was almost a smile on his face. "Don't touch me," she said staring straight at him, "go away."

"Erin," he reached out, gently rubbed the spot he'd pinched. She pulled her arm away from him again and looked away. "Please talk to me. Why don't you want us here?"

"I…" She didn't know what to say, why was a complex question and she didn't have the energy to explain it. "I just do okay." It was a cop out of a response and she knew it.

"That's not a reason," Jay said back to her, his voice soft and calm.

"Please Jay," she said and she turned back to look at him. "I don't want to talk about it now. I feel horrible. I just want to sleep. Please, I need some space."

There was a look of pain in her eyes. A pain that was both physical and mental. It broke his heart to see her like that. To know he was causing some of that pain.

"Okay," he said standing up, "I'll give you the rest of today. I'm going to go but I'll be back tomorrow. I'm not leaving you."

"Fine," she said and she looked away again.

Jay stood up slowly, he was leaving because she asked him to, because he didn't feel like fighting with her anymore today, he was tired. "I'll be back tomorrow," he said and he bent down and kissed her by the temple. That close he could see the edge of tears glistening in her eyes. "If I see Hank I'll see if I can get him to give you some space too."

Alone Erin finally let the emotion she was holding in over flow. Tears ran down her face and she quietly sobbed. It was all too much for her, she didn't want to do this alone but she was absolutely terrified of letting anyone get close. There was too much death on her hands already, she couldn't let there be anymore.

* * *

 **AN: That's it for now. I haven't planned the next part yet. I'm thinking of jumping ahead a few days. What would you like to see?**


	8. Chapter 8

In the early hours of the morning Hank and Jay slipped quietly into Erin's room. She was asleep and they didn't want to wake her. Things always got messy when she was awake. A week had passed and she was still being difficult and petulant. She still hadn't opened up to them, they still had no idea what was going on inside her head. All they knew for sure was she needed help. They could see it in her eyes, she was in a very dark place and they knew she wouldn't be able to get out on her own. Life experience told them that, they'd both spent time in those dark places and it was the friends and family reaching out that pulled them through. They were reaching out but Erin had no interest in taking their hands.

On a good say she'd let them stay in the room; they'd watch televisions and movies together. On a bad day she wouldn't even let them in. They could never tell if was going to be a good or bad day, she was unpredictable, some days would start out good but would turn bad quickly. If they pushed too hard, tried to get her talking she'd push back and kick them out. She knew her rights and the stronger she got the better she came at asserting them. She knew she had the right to refuse visitors, if she wanted them gone they had to leave or risk being thrown out by security and banned from the hospital. She knew she had the right to medical privacy and so as soon as she was strong enough to assert that right she did. She wouldn't allow them in the room when the doctor was there or the nurses if they were doing more than a set of observations. The medical staff wouldn't tell them anything either and her doctor seemed quite pissed off when he realised technically Hank wasn't even her father. They had no rights, Erin had all the power and she made sure they knew that.

They wouldn't give up though, they had no intention of walking away and as the days went on they found themselves bonding in the most unexpected of ways. Common interests extended beyond cars and motorbikes to sports, life experiences, and food. They both had preferences for hot wings, and burgers with beetroot and pineapple added. On a social level they found they got along and on a personal level they were both worried about Erin. Every day the conversation would round back to her. They would vent their frustration, feelings of disillusionment, and then Hank would find a story to tell, something from Erin's past which would make her current behaviour more understandable. A sad smile crossed Jay's face as he remembered Hank's story from the night before.

It had been late winter, Erin was fourteen, she wasn't living with Hank yet, instead she and a friend, an older boy named Caleb, were living it rough on the streets. Hank had seen the weather report; he knew there was a massive cold snap coming. He was worried they were going to freeze to death. He did everything he could to try and convince them to get somewhere warmer. He wanted them to go home but would have settled with them staying at a shelter. They weren't interested in either, and short of arresting them there was nothing he could do to force them some place warm. He wouldn't arrest them, to do that would be to break their trust and he'd loose them. Erin would have frozen to death if fate hadn't intervened, on the coldest day of the snap she came down with a fever so high Caleb phoned Hank. They were taking shelter in an alleyway behind a dumpster and by the time Hank found them Erin was in a bad way. Inside the layers of clothing she wore she was covered in sweat but at the same time she couldn't stop shivering, and then there was the cough. It sounded like she was coughing a lung out. Hank took her to the hospital, she didn't want to go but she was not strong enough to stop him and too sick to run away. He tried to get Caleb to come with them but the young man said he could take care of himself. Caleb's body was found two days later, he'd frozen to death that night. Erin would have died too if she hadn't been sick. Instead she spent five days in hospital recovering from pneumonia and called her mom. The hospital had given her that simple ultimatum, it was phone her mom or phone child protective services, in that instance her mom was the lesser of two evils. The thought of Erin living through all this made Jay's heart ache, he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms and make her feel better, but she needed to let him first.

Erin stirred in the bed; she heard the sound of a chair scraping along the ground. Hank and Jay were back and she needed to decide if she was going to let them stay. They were wearing her down; it was getting harder to push them away. There were two parts to her mind, the part that wanted them there, that didn't want to be alone, and then there was the part that wanted to keep them safe, that knew pushing them away was the only way to do it. They wouldn't stay away though, and even when they were gone they wouldn't really leave, half the time she could still see them sitting on chairs outside her room. There was only one thing left for her to try, one thing she wasn't even sure she wanted to do, one thing that could cause more problems than it would solve. She could phone her mother, if nothing else it would throw a wedge in everything but she didn't want to deal with her mom either.

She found the button to dispense her pain meds and began pushing it. She was still in a lot of pain, there was a constant ache all over her body and it intensified to shooting or stabbing pain every time she moved. Her arms had loosened up a bit she could move them okay but other than that the only thing she'd managed was to half sit up if she had the support of enough pillows. She hated that she couldn't run away, that she couldn't remove herself from the situation. She waited for the pain meds to sink in, for them to make everything feel like a warm fuzz, then she opened her eyes.

She only had a few seconds to watch them before they'd see her awake. They were both reading newspapers, they both looked tired. She knew they were both saying at a cheap hotel near the hospital, she wanted them to go back to Chicago, they had lives there they should get back to.

"You should go home," she said looking to Jay and Hank, "I don't need you here."

"Erin," Jay put his paper down and smiled at her, "we already told you we're not leaving. We'll go sit outside again if you need us to but we're not going back to Chicago while you're still here."

She looked to Hank hoping he might have something different to say but he just gave her a half smile and nod before saying, "He's got it right. We're not leaving."

"Why do you have to be so difficult," she asked, "I just want to be left alone."

"Because we care about you," Jay said, she could sense him wanting to reach out to her but holding back.

"You're a daughter to me Erin," Hank followed with, "We're not going to let you go through this alone."

"But…" she looked from Hank to Jay and back again.

"But what? You want to be alone?"

"I…" She couldn't find her words, they were pushing her buttons and this time it was working. She didn't know why, what made today different, she'd got good a pushing them away but today she could feel herself starting to break. She felt weird, like her defensive mechanisms were down.

"You haven't told us anything Erin. For the last week all you've said is go away. If you really want us to leave you need to tell us why."

"I…" She could tell them to leave, to get out and they would walk out the door and sit outside but she didn't want them sitting outside, she wanted them gone. She didn't want to keep fighting then, seeing their sad faces every day, but if she told them the truth, she wasn't sure it would make a difference. "I care about you too," she finally said, "that's why you need to leave. If you stay something bad will happen to you."

"Nothing bad is going to happen to us," Jay said and this time he broke the space between them. He touched her arm, she yanked it away.

"Yes it will," she said looking from one to the other, "everyone I've ever cared about ends up dead. I can't have that happen to you too."

"Erin," this time it was Hank trying to bridge the gap, he rested his hand on the bed next to hers, "none of those deaths were your fault. They were all tragic accidents or caused by circumstances beyond your control. You need to forgive yourself and let the people who care about you help. You shouldn't go through this alone."

She could feel the emotion building up inside her; a tear slipped out and ran down her face. She was scared in a way she hadn't been scared before. "I don't want you to get hurt," she said.

"We're not going to get hurt," Hank said edging his hand closer, "and if we do it will be on us, not you." He slipped his hand on top of hers and held it tight. He was ready for her to pull it away but she didn't, she let him hold her hand and he began to feel her melting. The wall she'd been putting up was finally starting to break; she was finally talking to them.

"I don't want to be alone," she said her voice cracking at the end of the sentence, more tears ran down her face, "but I'm so scared. I can't have anything happen to you."

"You don't have to be alone," Jay said closing the gap between them. He took her other hand and this time she didn't pull away, "we can take care of ourselves. You don't need to worry about us."

She looked from one man to the other, she believed them but it didn't take the fear away, it just moved it somewhere else. She wanted to let them in, deep down she knew she needed them, she knew this was too much for her to carry on her own. She was overwhelmed with emotion and a strange feeling, she didn't feel right.

"We're here, we'll help you get through this," Jay said leaning closer to her.

"Okay," she said finally accepting their help.

Jay stood up and sat on the edge of her bed, a moment later Hank was doing the same on the other side. They both wrapped their arms around her and gave her what would have to have been the most awkward of hugs she'd ever received but in that moment it was what she needed. She cried into their shoulders, she let out everything she'd been holding in. She cried for Nadia and every other friend she'd lost.

Hank could feel Erin's tears soaking into his chest. He hated seeing her so upset but he was relieved she was finally talking to them. He could have sat there for hours just holding her but be couldn't help noticing how hot she was.

"Erin are you feeling okay?" he asked pulling back from her. She looked back at him completely confused by the question. "I think you're running a fever," he said clarifying.

"Oh," she reached her hand to her forehead, she was warm and feeling a bit strange but she'd just put it down to everything else that was happening.

"I'm going to go get the doctor," he said standing up, "I'll be right back." He walked out the room, leaving her alone with Jay. Jay lent forward and kissed her forehead.

"You are warm," he said giving her a half smile, "I'm sure it's nothing."

"Yeah," she said resting her head against his chest and closing her eyes.

 **AN: I hope you enjoyed that little bit. I would love to hear from you.**


	9. Chapter 9

Hank returned with a nurse who confirmed Erin was running a high fever. She left again to get the doctor and told them all to sit tight, that she was sure it wasn't something to worry about. They all felt nervous though, they knew fever was a sign of an infection or virus.

"When the doctor comes would you like us to stay?" Hank asked hoping Erin would say yes. It had been days since they'd got a proper update on her condition. All they had were bits and pieces they'd overheard the doctors and nurses say. For the most part they knew she was doing okay but they'd overheard one concerning conversation. The doctors were worried about how much pain she was in. She was always saying she hurt; she'd max out her pain meds and still be in pain. They weren't sure what they should do. One junior doctor even went as far as suggesting she was faking it. His words were 'she's an addict; she's probably faking it so she can get a high'. Now he couldn't help thinking the pain was a sign something wasn't right.

…

 _Did she want them to say?_ Kind of, she wanted them there but she didn't want them to see her, a thin sheet covered her body and she didn't want them seeing what was under it. "Behind the curtain," she said hoping they'd be okay with that, "you can stay in the room, but I don't want you to see."

"Okay," Hank said as he brushed the side of her face. She smiled at him but she was feeling very uneasy. She was hyperaware of every ache and pain in her body and there were a lot of them. She had a feeling something was seriously wrong, but she wasn't sure that was a bad thing.

…

The doctor arrived greeting them with a smile. "How are you feeling Erin?" he asked, "The nurse tells me you're running a fever."

"A little weird maybe," she said not sure of her answer, "tired, everything hurts, but it always hurts."

"Okay," he said pulling out a thermomotor, "let's see how hot you are."

Hank stepped away as the doctor moved to the bedside, placed the thermomotor in her ear, "104," he said noting it on her chart, "you are warm."

"Yeah," she said not smiling. The exam hadn't even started and she was already sick of it.

"I want to take some blood and do a head to toe exam," he said before looking to Jay and Hank, "I'm going to have to ask both of you to leave the room."

"They can stay in the room," she interjected, "just pull the curtain around."

"Are you sure?" the doctor asked, it was a big departure from her previous stance.

"Yeah, we had a talk, they're okay," she let out a yawn, "can you hurry up. I'm tired, I want to go back to sleep."

Jay and Hank stepped behind the curtain and the doctor began his exam. He was meticulous in his examination, more so than she could recall any other doctor being. He started at her head, he felt through her hair for cuts and deformities. She'd wince slightly when he'd hit a sore spot, and he'd stop and take a closer look. He checked her arms and then started pulling the sheet down to examine her body. He carefully removed her dressings and examined not only the surgical incision but also every other cut and scrape on her body. He hadn't specifically said it but she knew he was looking for signs of infection. She gave a small yelp when he rested his hand on one of the larger bruises on her abdomen.

"Sorry," he said not sounding sorry at all, "your incision looks to be healing nicely."

"If you say so," she said sounding disinterested. She didn't know what the incision was supposed to look like, all she saw was a big long ugly red scar running down her body. He moved to her pelvis and carefully examined the insertion sites for her scaffolding. Again he pressed his hands against her body. She tried not to yell out when he touched the sore spots but she couldn't hide the look of pain from her face. He moved to her legs next, starting with her left, the more injured of the two. He allowed her to pull the sheet back up so only her left leg showed. Again he examined every insertion site and methodically moved his hands down her leg. So far he hadn't let anything on; she didn't know if what he was seeing was good or bad. He covered her left leg and moved to her right. He lifted the sheet and a momentary look on his face gave him away, something wasn't right. She looked down at her leg and saw it too, below her knee her leg was swollen, red and inflamed.

"Does this hurt?" the doctor asked pressing his hands around her leg.

"Yes," she said through gritted teeth, "stop touching it."

"Okay," the doctor made a note on the chart and visually inspected the rest of her leg. He put the sheet back over her and opened the curtain. From a draw he pulled the equipment r for drawing blood. It wasn't until after he'd filled three vials with blood and labelled everything that he finally started explaining things. Hank and Jay were both at her side again, they were all anxious to find out what was going on.

"It looks like there's an infection in your right leg," the doctor said in a matter of fact tone, "I'm going to order a CT so we can have a better look at what's going on inside. In the meantime I'm going to get one of the nurses to give you something to bring down your fever and start you on a broad spectrum antibiotic."

"Will that take care of it?" Hank asked.

"Probably not," the doctor said, "but it's the best we can do for now. We'll know more once the CT and blood results come back."

"Okay," Erin said but she was feeling nervous, the pain in her leg seemed to feel more intense than usual. She wasn't sure if it was real or in her head. The doctor left and it was just the three of them.

"Can I have a look?" Jay asked waving his hand in the general direction of her leg.

"I guess," she nodded, she watched his face as he lifted the sheet, looking for any sign or indication of how bad it was.

Jay carefully lifted the sheet covering Erin's legs. It had been days since he'd been allowed to see her injuries. What he noticed first was how thin her legs were. It surprised him how quickly the muscles were deteriorating and it had only been a couple of weeks since the accident. Then he looked closer at her right leg. There was no doubt it was red and swollen, and when he brought his hand down to touch it he could feel the heat radiating from it. He carefully laid the sheet back over her.

"How does it look?" Erin asked.

"Red, swollen and hot," he said sitting next to her, "try not to worry about it the doctor's will fix it up."

"Yeah," she said wishing she could get a good look at it herself but she could barely sit up enough to see it. Another yawn escaped her mouth; fatigue was coming on hard and fast now.

"It won't be long," Hank said taking his seat beside her again, "you can close your eyes if you want, get some sleep. I'm sure they'll wake you if they need to."

She let out a nondescript moan and at Hank's suggestion closed her eyes. She didn't sleep though, there were crazy dark thoughts starting to circle inside her head. A nurse came in and injected something into her IV before hanging a small bag of clear liquid, an antibiotic she heard her tell Hank. Soon they were wheeling her off for scans. She kept pretending she was asleep; it was easier than trying to make small talk with the nurses. She couldn't make small talk, not when her mind was being consumed with thoughts bordering on suicidal. She didn't like the CT; it was loud and uncomfortable and felt like it took forever. Eventually it was over though and she was wheeled back to her room. Hank and Jay were both there waiting for her and so was her doctor. She knew if he was already waiting it couldn't be good.

"I've had a look at your scans and blood work," he told her, "At this stage the infection is isolated to bone and muscle in the lower part of your right leg. We could wait and see if antibiotics will clear the infection however what I would prefer to do is operate now to surgically remove the infected bone and tissue."

"Will operating take care of the infection?" Hank asked.

"Probably yes, but there is always a chance some infected tissue would get missed so to reduce the chance of the infection returning, Erin you would also have to be on antibiotics for six to eight weeks."

"Okay," she said processing the information, "when do I need to make a decision?"

"As soon as possible," the doctor said pulling out sheets of paper, "as soon as you sign the consent forms I can have you booked into the next available OR."

"I'll have to think about it." She didn't give anyone in the room eye contact. She felt Hank and Jay press down on either side.

"Erin," Jay said in a soft voice, "what's there to think about? Surgery is your best bet to beat this."

"I don't want any more surgery," she said though that wasn't the real reason she was hesitant to sign the consent forms. A large part of her still thought everyone she cared about would be better off without her. If they weren't going to leave on their own maybe this was her way out.

"You're going to need more surgery at some point," the doctor said responding to her remark. "The external stabilisers on your legs and pelvis need to be removed and your digestive system needs additional reconstructive work."

"I don't want any more surgery," she said again, sounding like a child.

"Erin sign the consent forms," Hank said sounding everything like the authoritative father he could be, he wasn't going to take the softly softly approach this time.

"No," she said this time looking up at everyone, "I want you all to leave."

"Erin," this time it was Jay speaking up, he went to touch her but she pulled her arm away. An hour ago she'd been crying on their shoulders but now she didn't want to deal with them.

"Go away."

Hank and Jay both took half a step back. They looked to the doctor, he looked just as frustrated as they felt.

"Okay how about a compromise," the doctor said, "sign the consent forms and while we're doing the surgery to debride your leg we'll also, provided you're tolerating the anaesthesia and there are no other complications, remove all the external stabilises and replace them with permanent internal ones. Then you won't need to have another surgery for that."

The doctor smiled, he seemed to think his idea was a winner but the surgery wasn't really her problem, in truth she kind of liked surgery, she liked that she could check out for a while, she liked the drug induced haze she had after.

"No," she said again, "go away, all of you."

"Okay," the doctor said placing the forms on the bench by her bed, "we'll give you some time to think about it." He walked out the room with Hank and Jay following. Outside the three of them talked.

"What happens if she doesn't sign the consent form?" Jay asked.

"We'll keep giving her antibiotics and hope for the best," the doctor said but they could almost hear the concern in his voice.

"Is there anything more we can do? Can we get her declared medically incompetent?"

"You could try," the doctor said, "but she's not incompetent and you'd need the support of her next of kin, which neither of you are."

"So all we can do is sit here and wait. Hope she comes to her senses on her own."

"Pretty much, I'm going to try and talk to her again in few hours."

"What if she doesn't come to her sense and the antibiotics don't work?"

"If she becomes incapacitated I'll be able to step in and do what is necessary to try and save her life but I hope it doesn't come to that. By that stage it will probably be too late."

"So we just sit here and do nothing?"

"No, we give her some time to think and then we try again."

* * *

 **AN: I hope you are still enjoying. I have half the next part written so hopefully I won't take as long to update :-)**


	10. Chapter 10

Erin watched the men file out the room. She'd won for now but she knew they'd be back to try again. Intellectually she knew why they had a problem with what she was doing but that didn't make her want to change her mind. She started to yawn again and a shiver ran through her body. More than anything right now she wished she could curl up into a ball and sleep everything away. She didn't want to be in this position, she wanted everything to stop, she wanted to run away but she couldn't even roll on to her side.

An hour passed and then two, she drifted off to sleep and slipped into a dream world. Her dream took her to an average looking Chicago Street. She was dressed in a patrol officer uniform, walking along in front of her was her partner. At first she didn't recognise him, all she could see was his back, he was taller than her, solid with a full head of grey hair. They approached a house, he knocked on the door, they waited, he knocked again, then kicked open the door. The whole time she just stood there watching, the dream seemed real, like a memory but she couldn't place it. They entered the house and then all chaos broke loose. She was grabbed from behind, a gun was placed to her head, she screamed and her partner turned around. She saw his face for the first time, and her blood ran cold. She knew where she was now, she knew what was about to happen. She'd spent years blocking the memorise from her mind, forcing herself to forget. The details were fuzzy, everything went by in a blur, there was yelling and screaming and gun fire. Her partner pushed her to the ground and then he was bleeding on top of her. Her clothes, everything were getting soaked in his blood and then she woke up.

Sweat was dripping off her body, her sheets were soaked. She felt icy cold and couldn't stop shivering but she knew her fever was raging. Her right leg throbbed but the rest of her body ached as well. She was getting worse; the infection was starting to spread. She heard the door to her room open and Hank stepped in alone.

…

"Let me talk to her alone," he'd said to Jay and the doctor, "I can get through to her."

Now standing in Erin's room Hank hoped he was right. In the time they'd given her to think she'd got worse. Medication wasn't bringing down her fever and she couldn't stop shivering.

"Erin," he said in a calm level voice. She looked up at him with eyes glazy with fever. He sat down beside her, picked up the papers. "You need to sign the form."

"I don't want to," she said pushing the papers away.

"Erin, sign the forms," he used the most authoritative tone he could muster.

"No." She looked straight at him; he was trying to bully her into having the surgery which made saying no to him easier. She wasn't a kid anymore; she wasn't going to fold to his demands.

"Erin, you need to sign the forms," he tried again, "I've talked to the doctor and he said if you don't sign the forms he's going to phone Bunny. If she's here they can declare you incompetent and she can authorise the surgery." Every work out his mouth was a lie. He watched her closely to see if she could tell but with the fever ravaging her body it was hard to read her.

"Call her," she said calling his bluff. She knew what he was saying wasn't true, if it was the doctor would be the one telling her not Hank. "She hates you; she wouldn't do anything you told her to do."

"She would if it meant saving your life. She might hate me but she still cares about you."

"Call her then," she said again, "I'm not signing the forms." A violent shiver ran through her body and she moaned in pain, "go on call her."

She was daring him to call Bunny, asking for it. Having Bunny there would really make things messy. Hank sighed in frustration and walked out the room. He'd make his play and it hadn't worked. His next play was to trying yelling at her but he didn't want to do that.

"No luck," he said to Jay and the doctor waiting outside.

She was alone for only a minute before the door opened again and Jay stepped in.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he came to stand beside her.

"How do you think?" she said giving him a dirty look.

"I imagine you're feeling pretty terrible," he said giving her a half smile. "I know something that would make you feel better," he sat down and reached for the pieces of paper, "sign the forms."

"I'm fine," she said pushing the pages away.

Jay put the papers down and pulled his chair closer. "You're not fine," he said gently pressing the back of his hand against the side of her face, "you're fever is getting higher. You're getting worse."

"I'm fine," she said again but her body betrayed her, another violent shiver ran through her and she couldn't help but moan in pain.

"You're dying Erin," Jay said cutting straight to the point, "the antibiotics on their own aren't going to be enough you need surgery."

"I don't want it," she said looking away from him.

"Why?" he asked keeping his voice soft. She looked down at her hands and began picking at the tape holding one of her IV lines in. "Erin," he reached out and took both her hands. He held them sandwiched between his own. For a moment she tried to pull them away but he was ready for it and then the resistance stopped. "Look at me." It felt like it took forever but slowly she lifted her head. Her eyes were red and glazy. He couldn't tell if it was from the fever or if she was actually crying. "Why don't you want the surgery?" he asked and again she looked away from him but this time it was his hands she saw instead of her own. "Why Erin?" he asked again, "are you trying to kill yourself?"

She didn't say anything, just kept looking down at her hands, his hands. "Erin look at me," he said again, "I want to hear you say it. Tell me you want to kill yourself because I don't believe it."

A single tear ran down her face, "I don't want to do this anymore," she said in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

"Do what?" he asked.

"This," she said pulling her hands free, "everything. I don't deserve you or anyone. Everyone would be better off without me."

"No we wouldn't," Jay said standing up. He sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled her towards him. She didn't resist his touch; she rested her head against his chest and took his hand. "You are so many things to so many people," he told her, "I would be devastated if I lost you and Hank…" he let his voice trail off for a moment as he tried to find the right words, "…I think it would break him. He puts on a tough act but inside I can see he's scared and he's hurting."

She didn't say anything, her words were all choked up, it felt like there was a massive lump in her throat. A part of her deep down knew the words Jay was saying were true but it was so hard for her to reconcile those thoughts with the dark thoughts lurking at the forefront of her mind; the thoughts telling her she was worthless and that the world would be better off without her. She began tracing circles on his arm and the back of his hand, for what felt like the longest time they just sat there.

"What are you thinking?" he asked still talking softly.

She thought for a moment, what was she thinking? "I want this to be over," she finally said.

"Over as in dead? Are you trying to kill yourself?" It was the third time he'd asked the questions. She still hadn't given him an answer.

"Stop asking me that," she said avoiding the question again.

"Do you want to die?" he asked going even more direct, "yes or no Erin?"

"Yes, no, I don't know," she said and he could hear her voice breaking.

"Well you better work it out fast because what you're doing, refusing the surgery. You're effectively killing yourself."

"I'm…" the words trailed from her mouth. It was too much for her. Another violent shiver ran through her body and she moaned again.

"Sign the form Erin," he said again. He placed the pen in her hand and the paper in front of her but she was shaking all over now and couldn't hold her hand steady. The pen slipped and fell to the floor.

"I'll get it," he said but as he went to stand the shivering stopped and Erin went limp in his arms. "Erin?" he said pausing his motion, she didn't respond, "Erin!" he stood up quickly and she flopped back against the pillows. In three strides he was opening the door. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Hank and the doctor both waiting outside. "Something's wrong," he said sounding panicked. The doctor pushed his way in and went straight to Erin's side. He pulled out all the pillows from under her, made sure she was flat on her back. He looked up at the monitors, no alarms were going off.

"Erin," he gave her shoulders a gentle shake and she let out a moan.

Jay let out the breath he didn't realise he was holding.

"Did she sign the forms?" the doctor asked.

"Not yet," Jay said bending to pick them up, "but she was going to."

"Okay," the doctor said looking at Erin. She was conscious and starting to come to but it was clear she was getting sicker by the hour. Hank could see the look of indecision on this face, he wanted to do the surgery but technically he still didn't have permission to.

"This is ridiculous," Hank said taking the forms and pen from Jay. He crouched down in front of her. "Erin," he said reaching down and brushing the side of her face. She opened her eyes at the sound of his voice. "You need to sign these," he placed the pen in her hand and the forms in front of her.

She looked from Hank, to Jay, to the doctor. They all looked worried. She felt horrible, her whole body ached and her head felt strange and spacey. She tried to sit up a bit but the movement made her feel dizzy.

"Here," Hank said "point to the spot in the paper, "just sign your name, let the doctors make you better."

She lifted her hand up and scrawled something which resembled her signature. She'd lost her will to fight, she couldn't keep saying no. All she wanted to do now was go to sleep, at least with surgery they're let her sleep. What Jay had said had really got to her. Did she really want to kill herself? The answer wasn't yes but she wasn't sure it was no either. She was finding it hard to think straight.

The doctor took the forms and disappeared from the room. "Thank you," Jay said as he bent down to kiss her. Hank kissed her as well. She didn't say anything but tried to smile.

"Just rest," Hank told her, she didn't argue, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. Five minutes later the doctor was back, an OR was free; they were going to do the surgery now. Through the hospital corridors she was wheeled. Hank and Jay stayed with her as long as they could; they kissed her goodbye and told her they'd see her when she woke.

On seeing Erin disappear through the door to the OR Hank and Jay let out a collective sigh of relief. It had been a crazy intense emotional morning. Erin was finally starting to talk to them, and they were beginning to realise she was more messed up than they'd imagined.

"We should get out of here," Jay said after a few minutes standing there staring at the closed door, "they're going to be in there a few hours."

With little discussion they decided to leave. The hospital had their phone numbers and promised to call them as soon as there were updates. There wasn't likely to an update for at least a few hours. They walked outside and without any discussion began heading to the river. They didn't need to talk; silence was in a way more comfortable than trying to keep a meaningless conversation going. Neither was in the mood for small talk, there was too much stuff running through their heads. But when they reached the river, after they'd spent ten minutes just sitting there on the back of a park bench, staring out across the water they started to talk.

"What did you say to her in there?" Hank asked, he sounded curious and despondent all at the same time, "she was so determined not to have that surgery."

Jay gulped, he wasn't proud of the line of questioning he'd taken but it had got results. "I asked her if she was trying to kill herself."

Hank nodded he'd been wondering the same thing, "What did she say?"

"She wouldn't answer my question," Jay replied with an almost smile, "I don't think she really wants to die but there is so much shit going on inside her head."

"I know," Hank sighed, "I don't know what to do for her."

"She knows we're there, is there anything more we can do?"

"I don't know."

They slipped into silence again. In front of them a group of birds were diving into the water and in the distance they could hear children playing.

"We have to get her back to Chicago," Jay said after a while, "the doctors here are fine but she needs more than that, she needs more than us."

"How are we going to do that? You heard the doctor she's got weeks of hospital treatment to go."

"I don't know but there has got to be a way." They both stopped to think, Hank knew Jay was right, getting Erin back to Chicago, where all their support networks were bigger was the best thing they could do for her right now. She needed help, not just with her physical injuries but the mental ones too.

* * *

 **AN: Thanks for reading. I might have been just a little bit excited about getting this part done. The next part isn't started yet so not sure how long it'll be. As always I'd love to hear from you reviews and PMs always welcome (and work as a great motivator) every single one is greatly appreciated. :-)**


	11. Chapter 11

Jay made a phone call to Will, getting Erin back to Chicago now seemed more important than anything. What she'd said to them or not said, what her actions implied, it all painted a troubling picture. They'd known she'd had issues but they hadn't realised how deep and serious those issues ran. Will said he'd see what he could do but he was pragmatic about what he could actually achieve. His best idea was to look into private air ambulances, they might have the facilities to transport her safely but even with insurance they could still be expensive.

Hank said he'd make the calls to the insurance company, he might not be Erin's next of kin but she listed him as her emergency contact on the policy. The insurance agency was more than happy to talk to him which was both a blessing and a curse, at the back of his mind he knew how much debt Erin was raking up. It wasn't a problem to work out now but he knew they'd have to talk about it eventually.

As the hours ticked by they went and got lunch and made their way back to the hospital.

…

The anaesthesia slowly worked its way out of Erin's body. As she returned to consciousness the first thing she noticed was the pain. She was in agony even when she was perfectly still. She moaned hoping to get someone's attention. Pain meds didn't seem to work on her like they did on normal people. She moaned again and banged her arm against the bed. A young nurse or doctor appeared in her field of vision, she didn't know who they were but she didn't care, they had the drugs which would make her pain go away. She said yes when they asked her if she was in pain, she gritted her teeth as they made her do their neurological assessment, then she closed her eyes and relaxed as they administered the pain meds. She drifted back to sleep.

…

Hank and Jay were back at the hospital when they finally got the call to say Erin was out of surgery. They met the doctor in the waiting area and he gave them a run down on her condition. The surgery had gone as well as could be expected. They'd traced the source of the infection to one of the screws used in the external stabiliser. With that information they made the decision to remove the rest of the external stabilisers. During the surgery one team of doctors painstakingly removed the infected tissue from her right leg, while another team removed the remaining external stabilisers from her left leg and pelvis and replaced them with permanent internal stabilisers. She'd remained stable throughout the surgery but she was far from out of the woods. They were confident the infection in her leg would clear; they'd left antibiotic beads in the voids where the infection was but follow up bloodwork would tell if they'd stopped the infection spreading to her blood stream.

…

Erin woke again to find herself in a bed in the ICU. Hank and Jay were with her again, they both looked tired and worried, she wanted to tell them to go home but she didn't think they'd like to hear that. She wanted to watch them but they saw her the moment she opened her eyes.

"Good evening kid," Hank said to her with a smile, "how are you feeling? Do you want me to get the doctor?"

"I'm okay," she said trying to look around. For now, for the moment the pain wasn't too bad but she hadn't tried to move anything. "Can you help me sit up a bit?"

Sitting up was hard, Hank and Jay both worked together to help support her while they shoved pillows under her. It hurt but she was grateful to not be flat on her back anymore. From her position she could see her legs, she could see the external stabilisers were gone, replaced by open half casts and bracing. It occurred to her that maybe now she could run but a wriggle of her toes sent pain running up her legs, she was a long way off being able to run.

…

Jay sat in a chair watching Erin sleep. He could see looks of pain starting to cross her face; she'd be awake soon and wanting more pain killers. He reached for the button that controlled her pain meds and pressed it a few times for her. He hated seeing her in pain and pressing that button was the only thing he could do for her. It had been a week since the infection had taken root in her body. The surgery on her leg had no doubt saved her leg and her life but they hadn't got to it in time to stop it spreading into her blood stream.

All week she'd been in a state of semi-consciousness, only waking when the pain got too much for her to sleep through or the doctors or nurses needed her to do something. They hadn't had a chance to talk about the things she'd said or not said before the surgery. For now she was letting the doctors treat her with everything they had. It was hard to tell if the treatment was working. Her fever kept bouncing up and down, she was constantly tired and in pain but at least she wasn't giving up.

…

Hank sat outside the hospital, his phone sitting on his lap. He had it on loudspeaker, classical music he wasn't familiar with played, the on hold music for the insurance company. In his mind he was trying to do mental arithmetic, trying to recall how much cash he had stashed in his safe, how much money was in his bank accounts. He'd found a way to get Erin back to Chicago, an air ambulance company could transport her, provided of course someone could pay for it. He was hoping the insurance company would foot most of the bill; so far they'd been fairly good but the out of pocket costs were starting to add up. He hadn't told Erin, he was hoping to keep that from her as long as possible. Knowing how much her treatment was costing would only add fuel to her argument that treatment should stop. The classical music cut off and a woman's voice began talking down the line. He picked the phone up and took the loudspeaker off. The conversation didn't quite go as he wanted. The insurance would cover some of the cost but not nearly as much as he hoped. There would still be tens of thousands of dollars left to pay.

He didn't like asking for help but this wasn't help for him he was asking for. He picked up his phone and dialled back to Chicago.

"21st District, Sargent Platt," his long time colleague sometimes friend said answering the phone.

"Hi Platt, it's Voight."

"Voight," he could hear the tone in her voice soften, "how's Lindsay?"

"Still sick," he said not wanting to sugar coat it, "she sleeps almost all the time but the doctors say she's making improvements."

"Good," there was a pause on the line, an almost uncomfortable silence, "When do you think you'll be back in Chicago?"

"Soon hopefully," he said before drawing in a breath, "that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

He explained the situation to her, outlined their current predicament. An air ambulance could get Erin back to Chicago but they had to raise the funds to pay for it.

"Don't worry about it Hank," Platt said, "we all want Erin home. I'll pass the bucket around and see if there's something more we can do."

"Thanks Trudy," Hank said with a sigh, "every little bit will help."

He finished his phone call to Platt and began making his way back to Erin's room. He'd left Jay in there with a newspaper close to an hour ago. As the days were going on it was getting easier to leave her, for him and Jay to tag team. They tried not to leave her alone but they were beginning to realise having both of them there was stressing her out sometimes.

…

Erin heard Hank come into her room. She could hear him talking to Jay about her.

"They'll pay for some of it," she heard him say, "we'll find a way to pay for the rest, we've got to do this."

"Do what?" she asked opening her eyes. Hank and Jay both smiled at her but she could see the surprise on their faces, they hadn't realised she was awake.

"Get you back to Chicago," Hank told her coming to stand by her side, "Do you want some help to sit up a bit?"

"Yeah," she said using her arms to push herself up. Hank fiddled with the settings on her bed and helped push pillows under her back. "You don't have to do that you know, get me back to Chicago."

"We want to," Hank said giving her a smile, "are you comfortable?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said trying to smile, comfortable was a relative word for her, she was never really comfortable. "What if I don't want to go back to Chicago?" She asked the question knowing what was going to come next, another fight with Hank and Jay. She didn't like fighting with them; it always left her feeling extra horrible.

"Chicago is your home, you have to go back," Jay said using a light tone, almost like her question was silly.

"But what if I don't want to," she could see they were surprised by her question, "there are too many bad memorise there. I want to stay here, start fresh."

"Erin," the tone Voight used was somewhere between caring and exasperated, "you have to go back. Chicago is your home, it's where your life is, your family."

"I don't have any family, and that life wasn't all that great."

"Erin," Hanks voice dropped and he forced himself to sit down, "you know that's not true. I'm your family; Jay here is your family. If you stay here you'll have no one."

"Maybe that's what I want."

"Erin!" subconsciously Hank found himself grabbing a wad of sheet in his hand and scrunching it. He wanted so much to wring her neck, to shake some sense into her. Every time they'd make some headway she'd say something and they'd wonder if they'd really made any progress at all. "You don't want that. Last week you were saying you didn't want to be alone, if you stay here you'll be alone. We can't stay here forever."

"I'm not asking you to stay. I'm saying I want to stay."

"Erin," Jay came forward now and stood on the other side of her, "you don't want to stay here, there's nothing for you here."

"There's nothing for me back in Chicago."

"There's more waiting for you there than there is here. You have friends, and family, your job, and a life time of memories. You can't just throw all that away."

"I don't have a job, my family's toxic, my friends would be better off without me, and those life time of memorise suck."

"You do have a job, I never filed the paperwork." Hank said speaking up, "Bunny might be toxic but family runs deeper than blood. Everyone back home misses you, they want you to come back and those memorise, they're not all terrible."

"Oh yeah?" she was challenging him again, "Death and destruction follow me everywhere."

"They follow me too kid, but that doesn't mean you throw your life away," Hank reached out and took her hand, she tried to pull it away but he didn't let her, "do you remember the day you graduated from the academy?"

"Yeah," she nodded, knowing where Hank was taking this.

"When Camille gave you that paperweight grenade what did she say to you?"

Erin gulped she remembered what Camille had said to her, and remembering those words she felt ashamed by her behaviour. "She told me not hold on to the shit life throws at me. She told me to take hold of that shit and throw it right back, to not hold on to it and let it explode in my face. She told me I was the grenade, and I needed to be careful not to explode, that if I did explode I needed to let you help put me back together."

"I think you've exploded Erin," Hank said giving her a smile, "now it's time to let me help put you back together. Let us get you back to Chicago. We'll work out our next step from there."

"Okay," she said not looking at him, "I'll go back to Chicago, but this doesn't mean I'm going to stay."

…

 **AN: Thanks for reading. I've got what I hope are some interesting ideas for when Erin gets back to Chicago. If you have anything you'd like to see let me know and I'll see what I can do. Reviews are always appreciated and keep the motivation going.**


	12. Chapter 12

Erin agreed to go back to Chicago because it was the easy way out. She was stubborn, but she was also sick, she didn't have the energy to keep fighting with Hank and Jay. Together the two of them would always wear her down. She didn't really know what she wanted, she wanted to be left alone but when she was alone, it didn't take long before she was unhappy and wanting them back. She didn't really want to stay in St Louis, she wanted a fresh start but St Louis wasn't the city she'd choose to make it in, it was just the one she ended up in. A lot of bad things had happened to her in Chicago, but there were good things which had happened to her too, her life wasn't all bad. Deep down she knew all this was true but it was hard to see through the darkness. No matter how much they said they cared about her she couldn't shake the feeling they'd be better off without her.

It took four days for then to arrange the transfer. Hank was doing all the leg work, making all the phone calls. Her doctors started treating her differently, they were more interested in keeping the status quo, making sure she remained stable but they didn't try to improve her condition. The early concerns they'd had about the amount of pain she was on were pushed aside, they treated her pain, stopped questioning the validity of the pain.

…

The night before Erin's transfer Hank and Jay sat together in a booth at the place they'd been eating at most nights of their stay. It was somewhere between a bar and a diner, at the times they were there it was more diner like but apparently it was quite a happening place come late night. They were making their way through burgers, bowls of chilli fries and a jug of beer.

"So this is it," Jay said with a smile, "Tomorrow we'll be home."

Hank nodded his mouth full of burger.

"I don't mind this city, but I'll be glad to see the back of it," Jay continued, "maybe we could go see a Cubs game when we get back." A month ago he never would have asked Hank that, but now the question seemed to fall out his mouth as easy as anything. Their relationship had changed during their time in St Louis; circumstance had forced them to work together in a way quite different from how they worked in the unit. They had an understanding of each other and a friendship, ties that ran deeper than anything they would have got from work alone.

Voight finished his mouthful and smiled, "maybe when Erin's out of the hospital we can drag her along to one."

"Does she like baseball?" Jay asked, in the time they'd spent working together she'd never once mentioned it.

"Not exactly," Hank said, as a smile spread across his face all the way to his eyes. "Did she ever tell you how her and I first met?"

"No," Jay said his eyebrows rising in curiosity.

"Well," Hank said still smiling, "I think she was about ten. It was a few years before she started working as a CI for me. I'd just got word of my promotion to Detective and I was shifting to the gang unit the next day. So I was working my last shift as a patrol officer in uniform and I get this call that a bunch of kids are creating a disturbance at Wrigley Field. So partner and I drive down there and there's this massive group of kids hanging around a side entrance. We give the lights and serein a quick flash and the kids scatter, all except this one girl."

"Erin?"

"Yeah," Hank smiled and he kept going. "She'd been trying to get into the stadium and had somehow got herself stuck on the perimeter fence. Her hair and her jacket were all caught on the barbed wire. So she's just hanging there, fifteen, twenty feet up in the air. We had to phone the fire department to come cut her down. She wasn't hurt and it was nearing the end of my shift so I decided to let her go with a warning. I told her to scram and I didn't want to see her around the area again. A few years later I saw her again, helped her out of another jam. I don't even know if she recognised me but I recognised her. That was when I gave her my card."

"Nice," Jay smiled, "did you ever take her to a Cubs game?"

"Nah," Hank said suppressing a laugh, "I asked her a couple time but she said she didn't like the place."

Jay chuckled to himself as he pictured a little Erin hanging from the fence of Wrigley Field.

…

Jay gave Erin a hug, kissed her goodbye and told her he'd see her in Chicago. Voight and him had worked it out, he'd say goodbye in the morning and start the five hour drive home. Her transfer wasn't scheduled until the afternoon but this would mean one of them would be there to meet her when she arrived. Not that there was any shortage of people wanting to see her back home. The whole unit was looking forward to having all of them back. It had been a tough few weeks operating without their Sargent and two detectives.

Erin was acting very non-phased about the transfer; it was like once she accepted it was happening she didn't try to fight it. She just nodded, smiled, and did what she was told. For the most part she seemed to have her head on straight but then she'd say something and he'd question how much of what she was presenting was just an act. He had five hours to think about it, five hours to analyse and over think everyone of Erin's actions.

…

Erin watched Jay walk out the room and she let out a slow breath. There was an anxiety and dread building inside of her that she wasn't expecting. She'd known the transfer was happening, once she'd agreed to it, it had taken Hank four days to organise. She'd accepted she was returning to the city she'd always called home. It wasn't returning to Chicago that was freaking her out, it was the transfer itself. She could feel her heart racing at the idea of it. When Hank came to see her he didn't notice but the anxiety was building, she was breaking out in a sweet. When they came to move her she freaked out.

"No!" she said gripping the side of the bed so hard her knuckles went white, "I don't want to go."

"Erin," Hank spoke to her using his fatherly tone, "what's wrong? We've been through this."

"I don't know," she said because she really didn't know why her body was acting like this, "I have a bad feeling. I don't want to go."

"Erin," Hank said taking her hand, he could feel it trembling in his own, "we talked about this, Chicago is the best place for you."

"I know," she said trying to calm herself down, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Her doctor stepped forward. "Erin, I'm going to give you something to calm you down," he told her before injecting something in her IV. She instantly started to relax.

"What did you give her?" Hank asked, Erin's hand had stopped shaking and was starting to go limp in his own.

"A mild sedative," the doctor smiled, "sometimes it's needed when transporting patients, especially road accident victims."

"Okay," Hank nodded, looking at a now sleeping Erin. He walked with them to the waiting ambulance. He kissed her goodbye and told her he'd see her at home but she was too out of it to respond. He walked away feeling like they were just scratching the surface of things Erin was going to have to battle through.

…

As the Chicago skyline came into view Jay couldn't help but smile, his five hour drive was coming to an end. He checked his watch; he was making good time it was still a few hours before Erin was due to arrive. He thought about going home but decided to go to the district instead. He only had to step in the front doors before Platt was coming around her counter and offering him a hug. The gesture completely threw him; he wasn't used to Platt being nice to him.

"How's Lindsay?" she asked.

"Getting better, I think," he said with a shrug, "It's hard to tell with her sometimes. Physically she's getting better but she's still got a long way to go."

"I see," Platt said nodding, "Do you think she'd mind if I came visit her?"

"I don't know," he said shaking his head, "You should defiantly go visit her. But she's a bit hit and miss on if she actually wants visitors."

"Okay," Platt said nodding more. There was an awkward pause between them. Jay was about to excuse himself to head upstairs when Platt seemed to finish her thought. "I've got something to show you," she said before turning around and heading back to her counter.

He waited in front of the counter for Platte to retrieve whatever it was. She placed a stack of papers on the bench, flyers. "What do you think?" she asked handing one to him, "Battle of the Badges, proceeds to help cover Lindsay's medical bills."

Jay read the flyer, boxing CPD verses CFD. He smiled at the idea, "Looks great," he said, "should be a fun night."

"We've scheduled it for three weeks from now. Do you think Lindsay will be out of the hospital by then?"

"Hopefully, but I've really got no idea." Behind him he heard the doors open and a familiar voice call out.

"Hey Sarg, we need a new vehicle. This one smells like something died in it."

"Burgess, what did I tell you about interrupting me," Platter snapped, but she said the words with a smile in her voice.

"Sorry Sarg," Burgess said placing the keys on the counter.

Platt shrugged but turned her attention back to Jay, "So Halstead, Antonio has already agreed to box the men's fight. I've just got to find someone to box in the women's fight. Burgess?"

"I already told you no, Gabriella Dawson would flatten me in ten seconds. Can we get a new car?"

"No, that's the one I assigned you today."

"Sarg."

Jay smiled at the exchange between Platt and Burgess. Platt liked to come across as a hard arse but she'd always relent in the end.

"Should I leave you ladies to stoss this out?" he asked taking half a step back, "Can you buzz me upstairs?"

"Halstead?" Burgess turned to look at him as if she hadn't realised she'd been standing next to him for the last minute. "When did you get back? How's Lindsay?"

"Just now, and she's doing okay, she's still got a long way to go though."

"Okay good, tell her we're all thinking of her."

"Will do," He said and he began walking to the stairs. He heard the click of the gate open and he walked on up. When he reached the Intelligence floor it was completely empty. On the far side of the room was the white board with the mug shots of the persons of interest for the case they were working. He starred at the pictures, at the notes that were made, without context it didn't make any sense, but he looked at it anyway, then sat at his desk, turned on his computer.

Five minutes later Mouse came dancing into the room. He was in his own world and thought he was alone. Jay started laughing and Mouse pulled up.

"Halstead!" Mouse beamed, Jay stood up and the two of them embraced in a big hug. "Glad to have you back. How's Lindsay?"

"I don't know," Jay said looking straight at his friend, "physically she's doing okay but sometimes she says these things and they scare the crap out of me."

"Like what?"

"Like the shit I used to say," Jay said dropping his voice to almost a whisper.

Mouse's eyebrows raised and a look of concern crossed his face. "You mean like?"

"Yeah," Jay said nodding. Mouse didn't need to finish his sentence for the two of them to know exactly what they were talking about. "I'm sorry for what I put you through. I had no idea."

"It's alright," Mouse said with a smile, "You were my best mate, I wasn't going to let you disappear into a black hole."

"Thanks," Jay smiled. It had been a long time since either of them had even mentioned that time in their lives. "I don't know what to do for her."

"Have you told her about you? About what happened?"

"No," Jay said shaking his head, "this is about her. I didn't want to make it about me."

"Maybe you should tell her. It might help her to see the other side."

"Or it could make things worse."

"So could doing nothing," Mouse offered with a sympathetic smile.

"Yeah, I know," It wasn't that he didn't want Erin to know about his past, about the things that happened to him, he just didn't want to talk about it. He'd spent years in therapy talking about it, it never really got easy, he just got better at dealing with it.

"Well if you need to get anything off your chest. I'm here." Mouse offered giving him a playful push in the shoulder.

"I know," Jay said pushing back. He looked down at his watch and sighed. "I should get going. Tell everyone I stopped by."

…

An incessant pounding at her head, voices screaming, yelling words which made no sense. Erin wanted to run but she was weighed down by an incomprehendable weight. She couldn't move. Fear gripped her body and then her eyes flew open.

She didn't know where she was but it was no longer dark. It was bright, too bright. She tried to sit up but pressure pushed down on her chest, she tried to move her arms but they were held down too. She let out a moan, a cry for help and someone finally noticed she was awake.

"Hi Erin, my name is Jade. I'm a nurse with Air Ambulance," a young woman began saying to her, "You're in the back of an ambulance. We're on our way to Chicago Med. You're safe. I need to you focus on your breathing. Can you try to do that for me? I don't want to sedate you again."

Erin nodded her breathing still too fast for her to speak.

"Okay good, now I want you to breathe with me. In through the nose, out through the mouth."

Erin kept her eyes fixed on the nurse. She concentrated on breathing in and out like she told her to. It was hard but it worked, slowly her breathing levelled off and she heart rate slowed down. The nurse loosened the straps a little so she could free her arms and adjusted the bed into a more sitting position. They were almost at the hospital; they didn't need to make small talk for long.

She was thankfully taken straight from the ambulance to a room on the wards. Jay was sitting there waiting for her, reading a magazine. He smiled at the sight of her.

"You know you don't have to do that," she said to him.

"Do what?" he asked closing the magazine.

"Be here all the time." The orderlies and nurses helped her transfer from the stretcher to the bed, while they moved about the conversation paused. They told her the doctor would be in to see her soon and left.

"I'm here because I want to be."

"But what if I want to be alone?"

Jay placed his magazine on the side table and pulled his chair close to her bed. "Do you really want to be alone Erin?" he asked, "Because I think you're full of it. I don't think you want to be alone. I just think you're scared."

"Whatever," she said not want to encourage him, not wanting to start a fight. He was right to a point but she didn't want him to know that. "You can stay until the doctor's been okay. You can hear what they have to say but then I want you to go sleep in your own bed."

"Okay," Jay smiled; in all honesty he liked the idea of his own bed. "How was the trip over?"

"Fine," she said not wanting to talk about the panic attacks she'd clearly had, "I slept thought most of it. Can we just watch some television?"

"Sure," Jay handed her the remote and she began flicking through channels before settling on a reality cooking show. She'd seen the show a few times in St Louis, it wasn't particularly good but two of the contestants were female cops so she found herself intrigued by it.

They'd been waiting almost half an hour before her doctors arrived. Her doctors were Dr Walsh and Dr Cy. Walsh was in charge, he did most of the talking, Cy seemed to only speak when spoken to and rattled off answers like he was being quizzed. They started off by criticising some of the decisions her St Louis doctors had made. They didn't like home much pain medication she was on and they thought she should have had her final abdominal surgery days ago. They handed her consent forms and told her they'd booked the surgery for the following morning. She gave Jay a look as they handed her the papers. She could see he was worried about another fight but she didn't feel like fighting about this, she actually liked the idea of being able to eat food again. He said he wanted to speed things up, that in a week's time he was going to have her off the pain meds and out of bed.

Jay turned to her as the doctors left, "What do you think?" he asked.

"This week is going to be horrible," she said which was putting it lightly. The idea of being both off the pain killers and out of bed scared her. The amount of pain she'd be in was daunting, she wondered if the doctors realised she was dependent on the medication.

"We'll be here with you," Jay said squeezing her hand.

"That's not going to make it hurt any less."

"I guess not," Jay said trying to smile. He stood up and caressed the side of her face, pushed some hair behind her ear. "You'll get through this," he told her, "now would you like me to stay for a bit or do you want to go to sleep?"

"I want to go to sleep," she said with a small smiled, "but you can stay for a bit as well."

"Okay," Jay smiled, "I'll stay until you're asleep, get some rest." He kissed her gently and took his seat. She closed her eyes and he watched for the moment her body would relax completely, for sleep to take her away. When he was sure she was asleep he slipped out the room. He would go home tonight; he would sleep in his own bed.

* * *

 **AN: Thanks for reading. I've got what I hope are some interesting things planned for this story. I'd love to hear your thoughts, and happy to take suggestions and idea. :-)**


	13. Chapter 13

Erin's favourite thing about surgery was the drugs they gave her after it. She like the way they lulled her into a deep sleep. She liked that she would sleep for hours and no one expected anything from her. She liked all those thing but this doctor was playing hard ball with her. That post surgery buzz had only lasted a few hours, long enough for Hank to spend some time with her and believe she was okay now though…She was on patient controlled analgesia or PCA according to the doctors and no matter how many times she pressed the button she couldn't make the pain go away. She was twelve hours post-op, late evening. She was exhausted but the pain wouldn't let her sleep. Jay was with her trying to help her relax, but there was nothing he could do to make her feel better. What she needed was a stronger dose of painkillers. The doctors had said she'd been on too much before, that they'd re-calculated her dose based on her height and weight, what they'd failed to consider was the dependence her body already had to the medication. She wasn't in full blown withdrawal but she was teetering on the edge of it. Her muscles were cramping, everything ached. Jay tried to give her a massage but he didn't know what he was doing so he only made it worse. Now he was sitting on the bed beside her, one arm wrapped around her holding her as tight as he could, while she shivered and whimpered in his arms. They'd tried to get her doctor to come down and reassess the situation but he was in the middle of a ten hour surgery.

"This is ridiculous," Jay final said, "there's got to be something we can do. I'm calling my brother."

Will wasn't Erin's doctor, she wasn't even on his service but Jay trusted him and hoped he would be willing to help. "Just review her notes and come look at her," he pleaded, "she's in agony."

"Okay," Will said, "I'll be up there soon."

"Will's going to fix this," Jay told her, "It's going to be okay." She looked up at him with sad eyes but didn't say anything back, just pulled his arm tighter around her, and rested her head back against his chest.

It took twenty minutes for Will to arrive. In that time Erin closed her eyes and tried to sleep but the cramps and constant ache made it impossible. She heard the door open and felt Jay stand up. She whimpered at the forced movement of her body and opened her eyes. Will had brought a colleague with him, a female doctor he introduced as Dr Manning. It was Dr Manning who came forward to speak to her.

"Erin," she said in a pleasant voice, "I can see you're in a lot of pain. It is okay if I need to do a quick exam? I need to make sure there isn't another reason for the pain you're in."

Erin nodded okay, she didn't need to ask what Dr Manning meant by 'other reason' a thorough look at her chart and the reason for her pain was obvious. She'd just had major surgery, she was injured and her body didn't consume pain medication the way an average person's did. Dr Manning's exam was quick but detailed. "I'm just going to confer with Dr Halstead," she smiled, "we're going to fix this."

Erin nodded and watched the two doctors talk at the side of the room. They used hushed voices but she could still hear their quick fire exchange.

"Based on height and weight she's getting enough medication," Dr Halstead said.

"Maybe but she's clearly still in agony," Dr Manning responded, "I think we need to give her more medication. Did you see how much they were giving her at the other hospital?"

"Yes, but Dr Walsh's notes say they were giving her too much."

"Maybe but she still needs more that what she's getting now."

"Dr Walsh is going to be pissed."

"I don't care, I'm giving her more."

Dr Manning came back to her and adjusted the setting on the PCA. Erin pressed the button, once, twice, three, four times. "You'll feel better soon," Dr Manning said giving her hand a small squeeze. She smiled back and closed her eyes; it didn't take long for the pain to subside. The shaking stopped; she was finally able to relax.

"We'll talk to Dr Walsh about weaning you off the pain meds a bit slower."

"Thanks," she smiled again and the doctors left. Jay came back and sat down beside her again.

"Get some sleep," he told her, "tomorrow is going to be a big day."

"Yeah," she said resting her head against his chest. She was already dreading Dr Walsh's plans for her. He wanted to start her eating again which was fine but if he cut her pain meds again the idea of eating and going through withdrawal. She didn't want to do that, and then she was supposed to have her first appointment with her rehabilitation team. "You're going to be there?" she asked him.

"Of course," Jay smiled, "I'll be here as long as you want."

"Can you stay till I'm asleep?"

"Sure," he pulled her closer to his side and stroked the top of her head. She was so exhausted it only took minutes for sleep to take her away. He felt her body go heavy against his own but he stayed another half hour just to make sure she was asleep. Carefully he slid out from under her; he lowered her back against the pillows and stayed a moment longer to make sure she stayed asleep. He kissed her on the forehead and crept out the room.

…

Erin woke to the sounds of someone moving around in her room. She opened her eyes and saw Dr Cy pressing buttons on the control panel for her PCA.

"What are you doing?" she asked in an accusing tone.

The young doctor looked at her startled. "Someone changed the settings on your PCA. I'm changing them back."

"Don't you dare," she said pushing herself up. "They were changed for a reason. Leave it alone."

"Dr Walsh says you're on too much. He says if you keep on that dose you'll get dependent." Cy sprouted in a tone which implied he was both scared of her and Dr Walsh.

"Don't touch it," she said again in a voice she thought sounded threatening but Cy still pressed the buttons and was out the room before she could do anything. She slammed her fist against the bed in frustration and pressed her button to page the nurses.

"I want to speak to my doctor," she said when the nurse finally arrived.

"Your doctor was just in," the nurse responded.

"Not that doctor, I want to speak to Dr Walsh and Dr Manning."

The nurse left and she tried to go back to sleep, she wasn't in pain yet but just the thought of it made her feel sick. More than an hour passed before Dr Manning arrived. The edge of withdrawal symptoms was just starting to kick in, the shakes, muscle cramps.

"Make it stop," were her first words to the doctor. Dr Manning gave her a sympathetic smile and checked the settings on the PCA. She seemed to get mad when she saw the settings had been changed but didn't immediately change them back. She ducked out the room and came back a few minutes later.

"Dr Walsh, will be here in 30mins," she told her, "if you can hold on that long I'd like him to see what you're experiencing."

"Okay," she nodded, she didn't want to wait but the hope was if she waited this one time she wouldn't have to go through this every day. The waiting was horrible, the pain slowly got worse. Hank arrived before the doctors came back. He took one look at her and got mad. She was glad he was there when Dr Walsh finally arrived and Dr Manning came back.

"What do you think you're doing?" Hank almost yelled, "You're supposed to make her feel better and she's clearly in distress."

"She was receiving too much pain relief at the other hospital," Dr Walsh said in a calm, matter of fact tone, "We need to reduce her dosage or she'll develop a dependence."

"She's already developed a dependence," Hank bit back, "now is not the time to wean her off the medication."

"I agree with Sargent Voight," Dr Manning spoke up, "Right now the focus of Erin's care need to be rehabilitation. She won't be able to do the physical work required if she's in pain and going through withdrawal."

"Fine," Dr Walsh said sounding clearly annoyed, he walked over to the PCA machine and changed the settings, "I'll write you a referral to a pain specialist but I'm done. Dr Manning if you know how to manage this patient better than me. You take over."

There was a moment of silence in the room as the three of them looked from one to the other.

"So Dr Manning," Erin finally said, "what happened now?"

"Well," Dr Manning said pulling up her chart, "I can see here you have a dietician and gastroenterologist coming to see you in an hour and a rehabilitation team after that. Those appointments will stand and I'm going to see about getting you a more appropriate primary physician and an appointment with a pain specialist."

"You can't be my doctor?"

"It would be better if your primary physician was someone who specialised in your area. I'm predominantly a paediatrician, but don't worry I'll make sure you don't get another doctor like Walsh."

"Thanks," Erin smiled, she wasn't looking forward to the rest of the appointments but it was nice to know someone at the hospital had her back.

The appointment with the dietician and gastroenterologist were easy. There was a lot of focus on getting her to put on weight, she'd lost a lot over the last few weeks and it wasn't healthy though it was to be expected. There was talk of putting cream in a lot of her food. She was given her first 'meal' to eat since the accident. She was looking forward to it, after all the talk of cream and calories she thought she might have got a big bowl of pasta but instead she was given a tray of clear foods. Clear jello, clear chicken broth, watered down apple juice, watered down flat sprite, strewed apples and pears. They said she needed to start with things which would be easy for her to digest; she'd get the real food after her body had proven it could handle the easy food. She decided she liked her dietician but she didn't like her rehabilitation team. There were nice enough people, in another set of circumstances they may have been her friends but they weren't her friends. They were a team of people whose job was to get her out of bed and moving again even at times when she didn't want to. They were going to arrange for the casting to be removed from her body, and get her fitted with plastic bracing and moon boots. Her left leg was almost ready to start taking weight but her right leg still had a few more weeks of healing. They made it clear she was probably going to hate them but they didn't care.

"Well they sound like a fun bunch," Jay said with a smirk.

"Real fun," Erin said with a sarcastic tone. Nothing they'd said made the sessions sound appealing except for the part where they said they were going to get her out of bed and moving again. She like that part, she needed to be able to walk if she had any hope of running away again.

* * *

 **AN: Well I hope you enjoyed that. I'm going to be trying to push the story and time line forward over the next few parts. This one was just a little bit of filler to get it rolling. If you'd like to see more please let me know by leaving a review.**


	14. Chapter 14

Erin grimiest as her physical therapists ran their hands down her legs. An hour earlier they'd removed the last of the casting from her legs, and measured her up for some custom fit plastic bracing. They'd been giving her the hard sell on the bracing and why it would be good for her. They said it would support her bones and muscles while they continue to heal, but also allow for her to start introducing a range of motion. She liked the sound of all of that but what she was most excited about was the promise that once she was stable moving in and out of a wheelchair she would finally be able to take a shower. Even if she was sitting in a chair, it would still be better than the sponge baths she'd been having. She was looking forward to that but the rest she wasn't so sure about. Today all they were doing was giving her a massage and it was already uncomfortable. She didn't like her legs being touched, after weeks of having them immobilised she'd lost a lot of muscle mass and she could faintly see the outlines of some of her internal hardware. It felt weird every time they ran their hands over a screw or plate. They were teaching Jay how to give her a proper massage too; she liked it better when he did the rubbing. He was afraid to hurt her so his touch was gentler. When the session was over she was exhausted, Jay left her to get some rest, said he'd come see her later.

…

When she woke it wasn't Jay or Hank sitting in the room with her, it was Sargent Platt. The woman's presence completely threw her, she wasn't expecting her and wasn't prepared. "Sargent Platt, what are you doing here?" she asked still sounding groggy.

"I wanted to see how you are," the older woman said with a smile, "how are you?"

She hated the question, she could either lie, say she was fine or she could tell the truth and it would lead to a long conversation about how she wasn't fine. She respected Platt and didn't want to lie to her but she was in no mood to talk about how she felt.

"I'm fine," she said with a smile, "just tired."

"That's good," Platt said smiling, "I've got something I want to show you."

Erin pushed herself up into a sitting position and Platt handed her a flyer. 'Charity boxing match', 'Battle of the Badges', she didn't mind the idea of a boxing match; she wasn't sure why Platt wanted to show her the flyer until she got towards the bottom. 'All proceeds in aid of Detective Lindsay's medical bills'. She read the line and felt sick.

"You need to cancel this," she said handing the flyer back, "I can't take your money."

"It's not my money," Platt said smiling, "everyone will pay an entry fee to watch, Antonio is donating the space at his gym for it. It won't cost anything."

"I can't take money from everyone then," she rephrased, "I don't need your help. I'm not a charity case."'

"You might not need our money," Platt responded, the smile fading a little from her face, "but everyone wants to help and trust me, when you finally see your medical bills, you're going to want every penny you can get your hands on. Do you have any idea how much debt you're racking up right now?"

"No," Erin said her voice getting small. Hank had been taking care of all that, until now she'd been too sick to even think about it. "We have good insurance," she said as her only defence.

"It doesn't pay for everything," Platt said her voice getting serious, "what this raises will be chicken feed to what you'll actually need and look if you don't want to take the money donate it to someone else."

She didn't know what to say, she felt sick inside as the realisation struck, Hank was already bailing her out of this. "Okay," her voice was small she didn't have and logical reason why she couldn't take the money; she knew she couldn't keep taking it from Hank. A yawn escaped her mouth; she tried to reposition herself on the bed. "I'm sorry, I'm really tired," she said, "I'm not up for having some deep meaningful conversation. I just want to watch some television. You can stay if you want. I'll probably fall asleep again."

"Yeah no worries," Platt said but she seemed put out. Erin didn't care; she flicked channels until she found some brain dead reality TV. Some point during the show she fell asleep again.

…

Hours later she woke to find Hank sitting in her room. She was beginning to get a feeling she was never alone. "Hey Hank," she said turning her head to face him.

"Hey kid," he smiled putting his paper down, "How was the physical therapy today?"

"Okay," she said trying to smile, "it was uncomfortable but I think that was the idea. They just gave me a really long massage and asked a bunch of questions. I didn't think it would be hard but I feel exhausted."

"It's okay," he gave her a warm smile, "you don't have to stay awake for me. Rest if you need to."

"Nah," she pushed herself up, "I've been sleeping all afternoon. What time is it?"

"Just after five."

She did a mental run though of what she knew of the hospital schedule and smiled. "They should be bringing dinner soon," she said, her smile widening at the thought of the clear tray of food they'd bring her, "you should see the stuff they've got me eating."

"Nice?" Hank asked picking up the sarcastic tone in her voice.

"Yeah if you like clear stuff," she almost laughed at her own sentence but a twinge of pain held her back. "Platt came by to visit earlier," she said changing the subject, "showed me her Battle of the Badges flyer. Did you know about that?"

"Yeah, she told me," Hank responded wondering where Erin was going to take the conversation.

"And you're okay with it?"

"Yeah," he smiled, "the whole district is really excited about it. It's probably been fifteen years since we last did a Battle of the Badges. You're not okay with it?"

"I don't want to take money from everyone."

Hank nodded, with the way Erin had been behaving for the last month it didn't surprise him. "You're not taking the money Erin, they're giving it to you."

"I don't want it," she said pouting, "I'm not a charity case."

"No one has said you are," Hank said choosing his words carefully, "everyone wants to help you. Let them help you."

"I don't want help," she was tired and the fatigue was coming through in her voice. "I got myself into this, I can get myself out."

"I'm sure you can," Hank said focusing on keeping his voice soft and calm, "but you can't just tell someone to stop caring about you. Running away doesn't stop them caring."

"I don't want it," she was digging her heals in but she was also on the verge of tears.

"I hear you," Hank said moving to sit on the bed beside her, "but they're going to do it anyway." She let him wrap his arm around her and pulled her close to his side. "You're tired," he said stroking her arm, "get some more rest, there are some things we need to talk about but not now."

She nodded and closed her eyes. She had an idea what Hank needed to talk to her about and she didn't want to talk about it now either. She liked Hank sitting there holding her. He didn't do it often, neither of them was the touchy feely type so it always felt special when that physical void between them was broken. In the last few weeks she'd got more of it than usual, but even so it was still mainly just hand holding and brushes. Jay was normally the one to break the gap between them, to climb on the bed and just hold her. She could probably count on one hand the number of times Hank had held her like this.

The first time she'd just been a kid. Hank had said he wanted her to come stay with him and his family but she had to get clean first. She'd refused to go to rehab or a hospital, the idea of both of those places terrified her. So Hank had booked a room in a dungy hotel, he'd told her she was in for a rough week but that he'd be there with her. That was the first time she'd detoxed from heroine. She couldn't remember much from the first five days, from what she heard after she was pretty horrible but Hank never left her. In the memory he was there literally holding her up, her one clear memory from those days was Hank sitting with her in the bathroom. She was half sitting, half lying on the bathroom floor; he had one arm tightly around her holding her up. He was gently trying to cox her into eating a cracker. Alone in a hotel room together he could have taken advantage of her, he could have hurt her like so many people she'd encountered in her life but he didn't, all he did was try and make her feel better. He made her feel safe but she couldn't shake the thought that he wasn't safe with her.

…

Jay and Will walked along the footpath to Molly's.

"So this Dr Charles, is he good?" Jay asked, the plan was to meet the psychiatrist at the bar and begin a conversation. Jay wanted him to talk to Erin but he wanted to meet him first.

"He's good," Will said as they reached the entrance, he pulled the door open and pointed to an older man sitting at the edge of the bar, "that's him."

Jay sat down next to Dr Charles, ordered a beer.

"Jay Halstead?" Dr Charles asked.

"Yeah," Jay said as the beer was placed in front of him, "Will pointed you out to me."

"Yes," Dr Charles said taking a sip of his own drink, "Will said you wanted to talk about your friend."

"Yeah," Jay said realising he was going to have to be the one to lead the conversation, "She's been though some stuff and I'm worried she's going to hurt herself."

"What stuff?"

"Her friend was murdered. That started it. She thinks it was her fault but it wasn't her fault."

"Okay," Dr Charles sipped his drink again, "why do you think she wants to hurt herself?"

"It's just the way she says things." He sipped his drink but when the doctor didn't say anything he kept talking. "She was in a car accident, she was the back seat passenger, the two guys in the front were killed. She says the accident was her fault, that bad things happen to the people she cares about. That we'd all be better off without her."

"And you think this means she wants to hurt herself?"

"She's tried to. She had an infection and needed surgery, but she wouldn't sign the consent forms. She got really really sick before she signed them."

"But she signed the forms eventually."

"Yes," Jay said with a sigh, "she signed them but she scared the crap out of me and everyone else. I don't think she truly wants to kill herself but she needs help. I don't know what to do to make her see, she needs to stay, that running away isn't the solution."

"So you're really afraid of her leaving?"

"I guess so," Jay said feeling like his words were being twisted, "I'm afraid if she leaves there will be no one to catch her if she starts falling again."

"Interesting," Dr Charles swallowed the last of his drink, "I'll have a chat to your friend tomorrow but I'd also like to talk to you some more. I'll be in touch. Have a nice evening."

Dr Charles walked out the bar, leaving Jay sitting there wondering what just happened. He was expecting to just have a friendly chat but he felt like he'd just been psyched.

…

Erin had just finished breakfast when Dr Charles arrived. She wasn't surprised they'd sent a psychiatrist to see her, though he didn't introduce himself as a psychiatrist, he just said he wanted to talk to her but she could read his title off his coat. She didn't want to talk to a shrink but she was self-aware enough to understand why they'd sent him to her.

"I don't need my head shrunk," she said as he sat down in the chair by her bed.

"Okay," he said but he didn't leave, "tell me why you don't need your head shrunk as you put it."

"Because," she said but she knew that wasn't really an answer, "I'm fine. I went off the rails a bit but I'm okay now."

"Off the rails?" he asked, his head nodding politely, "what do you mean?"

"I quit my job. I was drinking pretty heavily," she said with a shrug.

"And this?" he waved his hand in the general direction of her broken body.

"Was an accident," the answer slipped from her mouth quickly, she didn't want to leave the shrink with any idea she might have intentionally harmed herself.

"An accident, hmmm…" he said nodding his head more.

"Humm? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked a defensive tone entering her voice.

"Well," Dr Charles said smiling at her, "It's just interesting you say it was an accident."

"It was an accident," she said again, "there was a storm and a tree fell down across the road, there was nothing we could have done to avoid it."

"Right an accident," Dr Charles said nodding again but this time it didn't feel polite, it felt almost condescending.

"It was an accident," she said again, her voice rising slightly, "why are you implying it wasn't?"

"I'm not," the doctor said turning his chair so he was facing her directly; "it was an accident. I wanted to make sure you realised that as well. I was talking to your friend Jay and he seems to think you think the accident was your fault."

"Oh," she said realising where they were at. This conversation wasn't about the accident, it was about every dark comment and phrase she'd ever uttered to Jay, to Hank. "I didn't mean it like that," she said trying to rephrase, "it's just bad things always happen to the people I care about."

"And you think they're your fault?"

"Yes, no, maybe, I don't know," she said feeling like she was being twisted, "I think if I wasn't there the bad things wouldn't happen."

"Right, okay," he went to say more but his pager started going off. "I'm sorry I have to go," he said instead, "I'd like to come by later and talk to you some more. Is that okay?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really," he said with a smile, "but if you like I could bring my chess board, sometimes talking is easier while playing a game."

"I don't know how to play chess," she shrugged.

"Backgammon then," he said with a smile, "I'll schedule some time with you later Erin."

The door swung shut behind the shrink. Erin reached for her glass of water and began sipping it slowly. She wasn't sure what to make of the conversation she'd just had. It was the first time she'd acknowledged out loud that the accident was just that, an accident that wasn't her fault. It confused her, it took the black and white in her head and turned it all grey. It didn't change her desire to leave but it made it harder to justify.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I'm just trying to push the plot forward with this part so I can get to the next part of the story I want to tell. If you like what you're reading and want to read more please let me know. :-) Thank you to those who have been doing so already.**

* * *

A week went by and then another, Erin's life began to revolve around appointments with various specialists. She had a dietician, a physical therapist, occupational therapist, psychiatrist, an orthopaedist, her primary carer, and a pain specialist. Between the seven of them plus their assistants they were coming up with a plan to get her out the hospital. Out the hospital was the first step, if she ever wanted to leave the city, she had to leave the hospital first. With that in mind she focused hard on getting herself better. Her care team all knew she wanted to leave, none of them tried to talk her out of it, not even Dr Charles her psychiatrist, instead they focused on the logistics and practicality of leaving.

She wasn't expecting to like Dr Charles, she didn't like shrinks in principle, over the years she's spoken to a few and they'd always seemed to have their own agenda but Dr Charles wasn't like that. He didn't try and talk her out of leaving, well not directly at least, what he wanted to understand was why she wanted to leave. He tried to get her to talk about her life, but when she started to clam up he pulled back. She just kept telling him she wanted a fresh start which was almost the truth.

The rest of her team were surprisingly good as well, she didn't hate her PT and OT as much as they led her to believe she would. They worked her hard, pushed her right to the edge of her comfort zone, she was always exhausted at the end of their sessions but they were helping her get moving again and that she loved. She could get herself in and out of a wheelchair now which meant she finally had some freedom to roam the hospital. She could get herself in and out of the shower which was great. The shower was one of her favourite places to be, in the shower every one left her alone and she had to time think, plan, process. They had her doing hydrotherapy as well which she still wasn't sure about, swimming was never something she really cared for but she did like the ease of movement the water gave her. She still wasn't weight bearing on either leg but in the water she didn't have to wear the bracings so she could move her legs like she was almost walking. It hurt at first, her joints were all stiff but it was getting better every day.

Everything was getting better and things were starting to fall into place for her. She'd finally had her conversation with Hank about money. She hadn't wanted to have it, it was terribly awkward, Hank didn't want her to worry about it but she didn't want him taking all the weight. When he showed her the bills it wasn't as bad as she'd feared. If she sold her apartment she'd be able to pay off the debt and have enough left over to start some place new. Hank didn't like the idea, he didn't want her selling her place, but it seemed the perfect solution to her. If she wasn't staying in town she didn't need a place to live in. She knew Hank could follow her logic; he didn't want her to leave.

No one wanted her to leave; the few times she brought it up she was met with an ambush of reasons why she shouldn't go. They were all good reasons but nothing anyone could say was going to override her deep desire to start again. For now she'd stopped talking about leaving in front of her friends and family, it was too much to keep trying to justify herself. The actual leaving was still months away, she needed to be healed, she needed to be mobile, and she needed to be off the pain medication before she could go anywhere. The pain meds would be the last thing to go, the program her specialist had her on was reducing her dosage a little bit every few days, but at the rate she was going it would take a year to get her off them. She couldn't wait a year and her specialist knew it, for now the objective was to lower her dosage, while preventing her going into withdrawal, once they were certain her physical injuries had healed they'd take a more proactive approach which she knew was doctor talk for taking her off the meds completely. At some point she was going to have to go through withdrawal, she wasn't looking forward to that but it was part of the process.

...

"How's Erin going?" Mouse asked Jay; they were the only ones at the district.

"Good," Jay said, a smile covering his face, "she seems to have one eightyed her attitude in the last week."

"So she's not scaring you anymore?"

"No," Jay said shaking his head, "it's like she's become a different person, almost like her old self, but with even more determination. I don't know if it was her sessions with Dr Charles or something else but she's changed."

"That's great," Mouse smiled.

"Yeah," Jay said shrugging, "I can't help thinking it might be an act, like she's just saying what we want to hear. We're having a meeting this evening with her doctors about a discharge plan."

"So she's getting out the hospital?"

"At some point, we don't know when yet."

"That's great," Mouse smiled, "Is she going to come stay with you?"

"I don't know," Jay said realising he hadn't even thought about where Erin would go when she got out of the hospital. "I guess we'll work it out tonight."

...

"Why do you want to start again?" Dr Charles asked the question and Erin sighed. It wasn't the first time he'd asked her, almost every time the conversation looped back to her leaving and he'd ask her and every time she gave him a different answer. She hadn't told him the truth yet and she could tell he knew that.

"I told you already," she said trying to deflect the question.

"No you haven't," Dr Charles said keeping his voice soft and calm, "you keep dodging the question and changing the subject. Tell me, I want to hear the truth."

"You'll tell me I'm ridiculous, that my reasoning is unreasonable," she didn't want to tell him, she knew there were flaws in her reasoning but she still wanted to go.

"Why do you think I'd say that?"

"Because," she paused and made sure she wasn't looking at him, "it is, but I still want to go."

"Try me," he smiled at her, "I've worked in this field a long time, I've heard a lot of things."

She looked down at her hands, began running her fingers along the tape holding her IV line in, "Bad things always happen around me, the people I care about get hurt or killed. It's my fault they get hurt, I need to get away to keep them safe."

Dr Charles didn't laugh or sough, he didn't tell her it was ridiculous, instead he asked, "Why do you think that's ridiculous?"

"I don't," she said after thinking a moment, "but everyone keeps telling me it is. They say it's not my fault; that bad things just happen to people."

"You think it's your fault?"

"Yes, and no," she ran a hand through her hair trying to think, he'd caught her in this loop in their very first conversation, "it's not always my fault, not directly but…I'm bad new, it's like I'm jinxed."

"Jinxed, hum," Dr Charles nodded and smiled, he glanced down at his watch and then his alarm went off, "sorry time's up," he said with a half-smile, "we'll talk more about this jinxed stuff next time."

"Great," she half smiled as she watched him walk out the door.

She looked up at the clock on the wall it was mid-afternoon; her next appointment wasn't until the evening. She was finally going to start having the conversations about discharge. She was sick of being in the hospital but she wasn't sure where she wanted to go. She hadn't really spent time in her apartment since Nadia was killed; she'd never got around to going through the place and packing up all her things. The idea of having to do that made her feel nervous, she knew she would have to face it eventually but she wasn't sure she was ready to open that wound again. She'd thought about staying with Hank or Jay, she knew both of them would let her stay without even a second thought but there were down sides to both places. Hank's home had lots of stairs and she wasn't even walking on flat surfaces yet. Jay's apartment had less stairs but there was still a few to get up to the front door. Practically they were the two things holding her back but there was more to it. Staying with Jay would lead to having those conversations where they needed to define their relationship; she was avoiding those conversations because she didn't know what they were. They were well and truly past the point of being just friends, he was the person she wanted to make her feel better, to hold her when things got bad. The feelings she felt for him, she'd never felt for anyone else and it terrified her. She was afraid to say it out loud. It would have to be her apartment; she had to go back there eventually.

She turned on the television to try and distract herself until her next visitor arrived. She was rarely alone for more than an hour; guys from the district were always popping in to give her news and gossip. She knew what they were doing; they were trying to make her feel like she was still part of the team. A knock at the door told her someone had arrived, the door crept open and Ruzek stood there looking sheepish, there was a sadness in his eyes, which made her feel horrible.

"I brought you some chocolate," he said handing her a box of Godiva truffles.

"Thanks," she took the box from his hand and pulled off the ribbon, "I really shouldn't be eating these but would you like one?" She held the open box out to him and he took a piece. She took one for herself and placed the open box on her side table. For a moment they both just sucked on the chocolate, Ruzek sat down.

"So what's going on?" she finally asked, she could tell there was something he wanted to tell her, she could see it in his eyes that he was hurt by something. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the diamond ring he'd given Burgess.

"The engagement's off," he said placing the ring on the small swivel table she ate her meals off.

She stared at the ring feeling confused, she'd spoken to Kim a few weeks ago and she'd been all excited and gushing. "What happened?"

"I don't know," he sounded like a wounded puppy dog, "I thought we were fine, and then she just handed the ring back. She said I didn't want to be on the hook, that she was letting me go."

Erin nodded, her mind racing a million miles an hour, was this her fault too? They were happy until she came back.

"I don't understand, I thought we were fine," Adam said continuing to talk.

"Have you tried speaking to her?" It was the only thing she could think of to say.

"Yes, but she just keeps walking away. She won't talk to me."

"I don't know what to say," she held out the box of chocolates to him, as if chocolate would make everything better. He took another one, bit it in half.

"Will you talk to her?" he asked after a moment, "maybe she'll tell you why she did it."

"If she comes to see me sure," she smiled, "but she hasn't been by in a while."

"Thanks," Adam tried to smile and took another chocolate from the box. "How are things going with you?"

"Same," she shrugged, she didn't want to talk about herself, "tell me about the cases you're working on?"

They shifted the conversation to work and things went smoother. A few hours passed, Jay arrived, Adam left, as she was finishing up dinner when Hank arrived and shortly after that her primary physician.

"It's time to talk about getting you out of here," her primary physician said with a smile. She liked this doctor, his name was Dr Ross and he was good at his job. Dr Manning had kept her word about finding a good doctor to manage her care. Dr Ross had so far been great; he was overseeing all her care and doing a great job of letting her specialists do their thing. "I've spoken to everyone on your team and they all think you're ready provided a few requirements can be met."

"Okay," she expected him to say that, she'd been broaching the subject with her team one on one for the last few days. "What are the requirements?"

"Firstly you still have three more days left of IV antibiotics so you can't leave until that's finished. On a good note though there is no sign of infection so I think we've got it all."

"Okay, and?" she knew that wasn't it.

"You need to be able to get to all your rehabilitation appointments, your apartment or the place you're staying needs to be wheelchair accessible, and for the first week at a minimum there needs to be someone with you at all times."

Erin nodded; she was expecting all of that. "Is that all?" she asked.

"From me yes," Dr Ross smiled, "there might be a few specific things your specialists want you to do but that's all the high level stuff. Do you have any questions?"

"When can I get out of here?"

The doctor smiled, swiped his finger through a few screens on his tablet. "If all checks out, Friday afternoon."

"Great!" she smiled and her eyes lit up.

"I'll leave you guys to talk," the doctor said before walking out the room.

"Four days?" Hank and Jay said together as they turned to Erin.

"Four days," Erin said still smiling.

"Don't you think we should talk about some of those requirements?" the question was coming from Hank, "My place isn't wheelchair accessible."

"But mine is," she said.

"Erin," Jay said, a worried tone to his voice, "have you thought this through?"

"Yes," she'd thought about it a lot, "I'm going to have to go home eventually. I may as well just get it over and done with."

Four days she thought, four days and the next stage of her recovery would begin.


	16. Chapter 16

The last four days in the hospital went by in a flurry of starts and stops, sometimes the hours disappeared in a blink and other times they dragged. Getting home wasn't as easy as she thought it would be. Some of the specific requirements her specialist had included being able to get around the house using a walker, so far she couldn't even stand so that scared her. Then there was Hank and Jay who kept having their own disagreements on who was going to stay with her. They also needed to get into her apartment and clean it which she didn't want them doing, she was embarrassed by the state of it, and under normal circumstances would never have let them in but eventually she agreed to give them the keys. In truth they could have just gone in, her spear set of keys was in her desk at work but they were trying to act like they were respecting her space.

On her last day in the hospital she sat in her wheelchair in the physical therapy room, in front of her stood a walking frame, on either side of her stood her PT and their assistant.

"You can do this Erin," her PT said to her, "I wouldn't ask you to try if I thought you couldn't."

"I know," she said leaning forward and releasing the supports holding her legs up. Slowly she lowered her legs and placed her feet on the ground. The braces she wore allowed movement in her knees but that was about it. The aim was to get her to stand, and then shuffle forward, actual normal walking was a long way off. She placed her hand on the top of the walker, gripped the handles tight and counted out loud, "one, two, three," she said, and on three she pulled herself up. Her PT, and the assistant were there to steady her but she didn't need them, she could stand on her own, though it hurt like hell.

"Good job," her PT said moving to stand in front of her, "how do you feel?"

"Good," she said trying to smile.

"You look like you're in pain," the PT offered, "where does it hurt?"

"My legs and hips just ache a bit," she said trying to brush it off, "you said that was normal."

"Okay," the PT smiled, "now lets get you moving forward, do you remember what you have to do?"

"Yeah," Erin said and she began shuffling the frame forward, followed slowly by her feet. She got to the other side of the room, managed to turn around and shuffle back to her chair. "How'd I go?" she asked when she got back, sweat was dripping from her forehead and her heart was racing.

"Great," her PT smiled, "I'll sign off your paperwork, take a break and then it would be good if you could keep practicing some more."

She lowered herself back into her chair, a smile spreading wide across her face, she was going home, she was one step closer to this nightmare being over.

…

It was late afternoon when Jay arrived to pick her up, she was exhausted from the therapy sessions she'd had during the day and just wanted to go home to her apartment, watch some television and sleep in her own bed, but she knew that wasn't the evening planned for her. The 'Battle of the Badges' was on tonight and she was the guest of honour.

"I found the clothes you asked for," Jay said walking into the room, "Do you need help changing?"

"Maybe," she said taking the bag from Jay, after weeks in hospital gowns she wasn't sure how she'd go with actual clothes. In the bag she had a clean set of underwear, black leggings, and a long red top which could also double as a dress. She needed to take the braces off, put the clothes on, and then put the braces back on over the top. She could have done it on her own, but it was quicker with Jay's help, and still took nearly 30 mins. By the time she was dressed and everything was packed away she was feeling drained.

"Do we really have to go?" she asked.

"Yes," Jay smiled, "it won't be as bad as you think."

"I'm just tired," she said sighing, "I'd rather go home and sleep."

Jay gave her a squeeze on the shoulder and ignored her statement, "I'm going to take all this stuff to the car and bring it around the front."

"Okay," Erin sighed.

Jay walked out the room and she was left alone, she adjusted her position in the wheelchair, then began running her fingers around the scar from her IV line. It wasn't just because she was tired that she didn't want to go watch the fight, she was nervous about seeing so many people from work. Her friends had come to visit her; she was okay with being around them, but everyone else. She didn't want to see the looks on their faces; she was embarrassed at the state she'd got herself in. She wasn't hurt in the line of duty; she was hurt while losing her mind.

Jay came back and wheeled her out the hospital, he helped her into the car and they began the short drive to the gym. She was so nervous about the fight she didn't even think about the car ride until they were on their way, it felt strange to have Jay driving her, to be sitting in the passenger seat, anxiety started building, she closed her eyes and blocked it out. If the ride had been any longer she might have lost it but, she held it together just enough. Kevin met them out the front; he'd been saving the park for them right by the door.

"Good to see you Erin," Kevin said opening her door.

"You too," Erin smiled, she swivelled her body sideways and took a deep breath, "not the wheelchair," she said shaking her head as Kevin placed it in front of her, "get the walker." It was a spur of the moment decision to get use the walker, she wanted to show she wasn't as broken as she was.

"You sure?" Jay asked, arriving at her side of the car.

"No," she said shaking her head, "but get it anyway."

They placed the walking frame in front of her, and just like in her therapy session that morning, she placed her hands around the handles. One, two, three she said to herself and then she pulled herself up. She stood for a moment to get her balance, then slowly started shuffling herself forward. It hurt to walk but she gritted her teeth and tried not to show it, the two men held the door open for her and she stepped inside. The first thing she felt was the energy in the air, the atmosphere was electric. Everyone turned to look at her, and then they started clapping, she cringed inside and put her head down, she didn't have the strength to acknowledge anyone, all her concentration was on not falling over. The walk to her seat was longer than she realised, the distance she had to walk was twice the distance she'd covered in therapy. She hurt a lot when she reached her seat, her heart was racing and she could feel a sweat covering her body. Jay helped her sit down and then ran to get another chair for her to rest her legs on. She closed her eyes for a moment, this was going to be a long night she thought.

* * *

 **AN: I really want to try and finish this story, things might starting moving a long a bit faster. I'm hoping to keep my motivation going. So if you're reading let me know.**


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: A big thank you to all those who left reviews and said they were still reading. It really got me excited to write some more. I'd love to hear from you all again. :-)**

* * *

Sitting in her chair Erin could feel the energy in the room, everyone was clapping and cheering. She pushed herself upright, tried to make herself comfortable.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked leaning over to her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said smiling. She wasn't exactly fine, she didn't really want to be there but she was trying to let the atmosphere get into her. There was a tiny part of her that wanted to enjoy herself but there was a bigger part that felt like enjoying herself was wrong. Why should she be able to enjoy herself when there were all these people who were dead and gone because of her? She shook her head and took a deep breath; she let it out slowly and tried to shake those thoughts from her mind. The bout was about to start.

First up was the women's bout. Antonio's sister Gabby was fighting for fire and a girl named Michelle was fighting for PD.

"Who's that?" she asked turning to Jay, the girl looked far too young to actually be a police office.

"Michelle," Jay smiled, "Olinsky's daughter." He watched, Erin's eyebrows raise and a look of surprise and confusion cross her face, he chuckled slightly, "oh no one has told you about her?"

"No," Erin said as the bell rang to start the bout. A momentary hush fell over the room and then the cheering started again. The women were evenly matched, what Michelle lacked in height and experience she made up for in speed. When the bell sounded the mark the end of the first round both women had made a few hits and both were still standing. "So Michelle?" Erin asked turning to Jay, "what's her story?"

"Her mom's, some woman Al was involved with while he was undercover." Jay began, "He didn't even know she was pregnant when the job ended, didn't find out Michelle even existed until she called him three months ago asking for help getting out of juvie."

"Wow," Erin said focusing her eyes on the girl. The next round was about to start.

Round two went much like round one, Gabby was starting to get the upper hand but Michelle was still in it and still had that determined look in her eyes. "She's pretty good," Erin said as the fighters returned to their corners.

"Yeah, Antonio reckons she's a natural," Jay chimed, "he only started teaching her three months ago."

The bell rang for the third round, Erin could feel herself getting into the bout, the energy in the room was electric and she couldn't help but get rolled up in it. She wanted Michelle to win and she found herself cheering and wincing as every throw and punch took place. Michelle was making a ripper of a comeback and by the end of the third round it was all even again.

Jay watched Erin relax and a smile spread across her face, he didn't say anything, he was afraid if he pointed it out to her she might tense up again. She looked like she was genuinely enjoying herself. "This is pretty exciting," he tried instead.

"Yeah," Erin said, the smile still sitting across her face, "Michelle is doing really well."

The fourth and final round started, everyone was on the edge of their seats and when the final bell rang it wasn't clear who'd won. An excited, nervous tension filled the air as the judges deliberated; the decision seemed to take almost as long as the bout. Finally the two competitors were called into the middle of the ring, standing on either side of the referee they waited for the announcement.

"And the winner of the Battle of the Badges, curtain raiser is…Gabby Dawson of Chicago Fire!"

Half the room erupted into a massive cheer, while the other half clapped half-heartedly.

"She almost had her," Jay smiled.

"Almost," Erin smiled back; she hadn't felt this alive in a long time. She hated to admit it but she was glad she had come. The fatigue was even starting to lift a little and she felt like she had some energy.

"I'm going to go get a drink," Jay said breaking into her thoughts, "would you like anything?"

The idea of a beer sounded great but she knew it wouldn't mix well with her meds, "A pop would great," she said, and Jay walked off, leaving her alone. Everyone else was starting to get up and walk around, small groups of conversation were breaking out everywhere but there was no way she was getting up. After a few minutes though, Al walked over with Michelle.

"Erin," Al said as he lent down and gave her a half hug, "I'm glad you could make it. I'd like to introduce you to someone, this is my daughter Michelle."

"Hi," Michelle said giving a small wave.

"Michelle, this is Detective Erin Lindsay, she works with me in Intelligence," Al said introducing her.

"Hey," Erin waved back, "you did really well up there tonight."

"Thanks," Michelle said stepping forward, "I really wanted to win though."

"Winning's not everything," Erin offered, "that was only your first bout right?"

"Yeah, it was my first, but I'd been training really hard, I thought I had her."

"You almost did," Erin said tapping the empty seat beside her, "sit down, it'll be easier to talk if we're at the same level."

Michelle sat down and Al walked off to get drinks.

"Antonio's told me about you," Michelle said after a moment, "he said you started living with Voight when you were my age."

"That's correct," Erin said, wondering where the conversation going.

"What was it like?" Michelle asked in almost a whisper, "was it weird? Because it feels weird living with Al."

"It was weird," Erin smiled, "and difficult. I was into a bunch of bad stuff back then, and it was hard giving all that up, but it gets easier. Al's a good bloke, you'll be right with him."

"I know," Michelle sighed, "it just gets hard sometimes. Did Voight make you stop hanging out with all your friends?"

"Yep," Erin said just as Jay arrived back with her drink. She took the can of pop from him and took a sip.

"I should see if Antonio needs a hand," Michelle said standing up, "It was nice to meet you Erin."

"You too," Erin said back, "if you want to talk more, Antonio and Al both have my number."

Jay watched Michelle walk off and couldn't help smiling, it was nice seeing Erin smile, and he was glad she'd talked to Michelle. He'd wanted to introduce them for a while but, it hadn't seemed right to even suggest bringing Michelle to the hospital. Erin could be really temperamental and if he got her on a bad day his hopes could have back fired. He thought Michelle could be good for Erin, she was already doing great things for Al and Antonio, but there was no way he could force them on each other or even suggest it.

The rest of the intermission seemed to go by quickly, lots of people came up to talk to them, some they knew well others they'd never spoken to before. All they could manage was small talk, and exchanging pleasantries. Erin seemed happy, through as the bell went to say the bout was about to start he could see she was starting to get tired.

"You feeling alright?" Erin heard Jay ask her.

"Yeah," she said turning to face him, and giving a smile. She really was alright for now, though she wasn't sure how much longer she would last. She was looking forward to seeing the bout though, it had been years since she'd seen Antonio compete but from what she remembered he was good.

"And now for the fight you've all been waiting for!" someone from Fire announced, "competing for Firehouse 51 Jimmy Borrelli ," half the crowd broke into a massive cheer, the announcer waited for the sound to die down again before continuing, "and competing for District 21 Antonio Dawson!" the second half of the crowd started cheering, and Erin joined in too. The two competitors walked around the ring encouraging the crowd to clap and cheer. The atmosphere had been wild for the women's bout; it was absolutely crazy for the men's. Finally the referee got the competitors to take their corners, and the bout began.

The women had been evenly matched but Antonio took the upper hand in the men's bout almost instantly. Jimmy was jumping around trying unsuccessfully to avoid punches, Antonio seemed to be stepping aside with ease, and landing punches in the process. As the final seconds of the first round came about Jimmy finally got a good punch in, Antonio looked at him almost surprised, then it was like he'd seen red and he took a mighty swing. The punch struck Jimmy hard in the face and he went flying. The whole crowd groaned as he hit the deck, and then the referee started counting. Jimmy stayed down for the count and the whole PD crowd started cheering. The room was electric and for a few minutes Erin forgot how much pain she was in. She was completely swept up in the excitement. Jimmy finally got to his feet and Antonio was declared the winner.

"Wow," Jay said turning to Erin, his adrenalin was pumping just as much as everyone else's.

"Wow," Erin said back to him and she let out a half laugh.

"I had no idea Antonio could box like that," Jay said still shaking his head.

"You should have seen him fifteen years ago," Erin smiled, "he was even more of a fighter back then."

"You've known Antonio that long?" Jay asked sounding surprised.

"Yeah," Erin said giving a coy smile, "he's the one who taught me to box."

"You box?" Jay asked an eyebrow rising.

"Used to," Erin smiled back, "where do you think I leant all my moves from."

"No idea," Jay said, just as a crowd of people started walking towards them. Someone bumped the chair Erin's legs were on and her right leg fell down. As her heal hit the ground a look of pain swept across her face, and the words were sucked from her mouth.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked though it was obvious something was wrong.

"I think so," Erin said, through a look of sheer discomfort.

"Would you like me to get you a drink?" Jay asked trying to saving the situation but he could see the look of pain building in Erin's face, "Do you want to go home?"

Erin thought about her answer, a minute earlier she was ready to stay for a little while, but now she was hurting more than usual, and the movement of the crowd was making her feel claustrophobic. Then another person bumped her chair. Her legs stayed on it this time but it was enough to make up her mind.

"Lets go home," she said.

* * *

 **AN: Coming up next Erin's first night/day at home with Jay.**


	18. Chapter 18

Sitting in the car Erin, rested her head against the glass and closed her eyes. The walk back to the car had taken the last of her energy. She was already regretting not using the wheelchair but she'd thought she had a point to prove. She wanted to show she was strong. In front of Jay right now she didn't care, he'd already seen her at her worse.

Jay looked over at Erin and smiled, she appeared to already be sleeping. He didn't try to wake her, he didn't try to make conversation, he was just glad to have her with him, glad that she'd come out tonight, and glad that he was taking her home. At her apartment building he pulled the wheelchair from the car, she didn't question him as he placed it beside her, she slid herself inside and he pushed her into the building.

Erin tried not to think about what being home meant. As Jay unlocked her front door she looked down at her knees, she didn't want to see anything else, she was too tired and her mind too full to process the magnitude of finally being home. Jay took her straight to her bedroom; she used the bathroom and then went straight to bed. Jay tucked her in, "I'll be in the living room," he told her and then he was gone. Alone in her quiet, dark room, she closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep.

Jay sat down on Erin's sofa and turned on the television. He knew this was how the night would end but it still felt a little strange to be in Erin's apartment with her sleeping in the next room. He was planning on sleeping on the sofa, he'd sussed it all out when he'd come over to clean, he knew where her spear blankets and pillows were. She had a second bedroom but that was Nadia's; he wasn't going to sleep there, not without Erin's permission. He watched sport for an hour and then put himself to sleep.

The first night home was uneventful, Erin slept through the night, Jay work to the sound of his alarm clock going off. It was 8am and the alarm going off was the one he'd set to remind him when to give Erin her medication. She was still taking painkillers, opiates, and she wasn't allowed to hold on to them herself. Her specialist avoided the word addition, preferring to call what Erin had dependence but the plan and restrictions were much the same. She was not allowed to be in control of her own dosing for fear that she might take more than she should.

Jay got himself up and went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water and retrieved the pills from his bag. The pills weren't in a bottle but instead separated into a special dispenser, separating the specific pills she needed to take each day in the morning and evening. The way he understood it they weren't all the same so giving her the right ones was very important. He tipped the two pills into his hand and let himself into Erin's room. She was still asleep and he found himself faced with a difficult dilemma. Should he wake her up, or let her sleep. Erin wasn't a morning person at the best of times and he knew she wouldn't take kindly to being woken up but at the same time, it had been drummed into him how important it was for her to take what was prescribed, when it was prescribed, and only what was prescribed.

"Erin," he said quietly walking towards her, he sat down on the edge of the bed and placed the glass of water and pills on her bedside table. "Erin," he gave her shoulder a little shake.

She swatted his hand, "go away," she mumbled not opening her eyes.

"Erin, you need to take your pills," he said trying to wake her some more.

"Go away," she mumbled again.

He didn't want to push her so he slowly got up, "okay," he told her, though he wasn't sure she was listening, "your pills and some water are on the bedside table. I'll be in the living room if you need me."

…

An hour later Erin woke to her whole body aching in a way it hadn't ached in a long time. She moaned loudly and tried to sit up, she quickly gave up when it hurt too much and she called out for Jay. She didn't know what had happened, she didn't understand why she hurt so much.

Jay was by her side in seconds. In his hands he held a glass of water and her medication. "Erin, take these," he was saying to her, as if he already knew what her problem was. She put the pills in her mouth and with a shaky hand took a sip of the water. With the pills swallowed she lay back down.

"What time is it?" she asked, wondering what had just happened.

"9:30," Jay told her, "you've been sleeping like a rock."

"Right," she knew what had happened now, she was supposed to take the pills at 8am and 8pm. "You should have woken me," she told him.

"I tried," Jay offered, "you told me to go away."

"Next time try harder," she smiled, no amount of sleep would make up for the pain she was in now. "Come get me in half an hour."

Jay walked out the room and Erin closed her eyes again, she wasn't going to try moving again until the medication had time to work.

Out of the room Jay let out a sigh it was impossible to win with Erin sometimes. When he came back thirty minutes later she was sitting up in bed and looked happy enough. "How are you feeling?" he ventured to ask.

"Better," she said offering him a smile, "Can you help me up? I need a shower."

"Sure," Jay said smiling. He helped her out of bed and into the bathroom, before she shooed him away saying she wanted some privacy.

Alone in the bathroom with the warm water running over her Erin finally started taking stock of her current situation. She was out of the hospital and finally home. A month ago being home was the last place she wanted to be but through the various conversations she'd had with all her doctors she knew going home was an important step in the process of going away. She knew she needed to be healed in both mind and body before she could leave and she knew she had a long way to go before either of those things would be finished. Physically she was coming forward in leaps and bounds and provided she didn't do anything stupid she was unlikely to go backwards. Mentally was a complete other story though, she knew all too well about having bad days, and had been warned about not letting a bad day turn into a bad week or a bad month. Today was going to be one of those bad days, she knew when she'd finally come out the shower and the confines of her bedroom she'd be faced with having to deal with the reality of being in her apartment sober. She'd have to find a way of dealing with Nadia's presence, or lack of presence depending on how she looked at it. She didn't want to have to deal with any of that. Only when her hands were wrinkled and her belly was crying out for food, did she begin the slow process of getting herself out the shower, drying off, getting dressed, and finally strapping the leg braces on. She didn't ask Jay for help, she wanted to prove she could do it on her own, which she could but by the time she was ready she was very hungry, and starting to feel tired again.

Jay was in the kitchen cutting up vegetables when the door to Erin's room finally creeped open and Erin started making her way out. She looked uncomfortable as she shuffled forward, using the walking frame for support and balance. She smiled at him though so he took that as a sign she was managing. She made it to the kitchen and sat down on one of the stools.

"What are you doing?" she finally asked him when she was seated and comfortable. Seeing Jay in her kitchen cooking was weird, the only time he'd done that she'd been in there with him and those times were few and far between.

"I thought I'd start prepping lunch and dinner," he said with a smile.

"Right," she looked at the array of vegetables he had spread on the bench, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, parsnip, beans, and corn. "How many people you planning on feeding?"

"Just us," he nodded, "I thought you could use some leftovers for when I'm not around."

"I can cook," she replied. Jay raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Yeah, you've dialled some real good Chinese food before."

She made to swat at him but he was too far away. He was right about her cooking, there were maybe two or three dishes she could do well, the rest was a bit hit and miss. She watched him cut the vegetables, and slowly they started talking; first about the weather, and then about what was happening over the next few days.

Today the plan was just to stay home, to fix the apartment up and organise anything else which needed doing. He said she could do as much or as little as she wanted, he wasn't going to push her. The next day she'd be back at the hospital for a bunch of appointments, then she'd have another couple days off. Jay was hesitant to suggest all the things he knew they needed to do but she could see him trying to steer her in those directions. She was the one who finally said they should clear out the second bedroom that it was silly for him to be sleeping on the sofa when there was a perfectly good bed he could be using.

…

Sitting in the wheelchair Erin watched as Jay stripped the sheets off the bed which had been Nadia's. It hurt to have to do this, but she knew it needed to be done; it was by far the first and easiest thing which could be accomplished. She watched him put clean sheets on the bed, and a new quilt cover, it made the room look instantly different. She let out a slow breath and told herself to hold it together. Next came the closet and draws, Nadia didn't own many clothes, everything she had fit into the same suit case she'd brought with her. Erin said she didn't want to keep any of it, she wanted it all gone. It was hard seeing the cupboards bear again but not nearly as bad as watching Jay clear off Nadia's desk. The desk represented everything Nadia was becoming; the text books and computer were physical representation of her making something of herself, of getting out of her terrible situation. It made her sad to think of all the potential Nadia had that was completely cut short. She barely talked as Jay packed everything up, she could feel herself on the verge of tears and she didn't want to break down again. When the room was finally clear she told Jay to bring his stuff in and she wheeled herself out. She wasn't sure when she'd go back in the room; she hoped she wouldn't have to go back in there for a long time.

Jay could see Erin was struggling, the look in her eyes and the tone in her voice told him she was only just holding it together. He took his time to bring his things into the room, he had a feeling Erin needed her space. When he came back out to the living area she was sitting on the sofa, her legs resting up on the coffee table. She had the TV remote in her hands and was slowly flicking through channels. He sat down on the other end of the sofa and put his feet up as well.

"How you going?" he asked looking over at her.

"Okay," she said looking back at him, "is there anything you want to watch?"

"Nah," he said, "you pick."

Erin settled on a cooking show and for the rest of the day they watched television together. When it was time to cook dinner Jay cooked it by himself and they ate in front of the television. Their conversation was simple confined mainly to the shows they were watching. It was comfortable between them and Jay allowed himself to think maybe it would stay that way. He allowed himself to forget about Erin's plans to leave, it had been almost a week since she mentioned them, he hoped maybe she'd forget about them too.

* * *

 **AN: If you're reading, I'd love to hear from you.**


	19. Chapter 19

Erin sat outside the hospital waiting for Jay to pick her up. She'd been there most of the day going from one specialist appointment to the other. Her last appointment was physical therapy; she'd had a hard session in the pool and was now just starting to feel the post exercise euphoria. She was feeling calm and relaxed and good about herself. She was looking forward to Jay picking her up, she wanted to tell him about her day, and hear about his. While she'd been at the hospital he'd been back at the district working on a case for Voight. It was the first day he'd been back at work since she'd been home, and she had to admit, sometime apart was what they needed. Until today Jay had been with her to all her appointments, the only one she insisted he leave for were her sessions with Dr Charles. Everything else he was there for which she didn't mind, he needed to know how to help her, and it helped having someone else there to remember all the instructions, all the new stretches and exercises she was learning. All this time together though meant there wasn't a lot to talk about and by the end of the day they were often irritating each other. Today was different though and she had some big news to share with him.

A car pulled up in front of her, it wasn't Jay's though it was Voight's.

"Hank what are you doing here?" she asked as Voight walked towards her, "where's Jay?"

"He's off working a case for me," Hank smiled, "I said I'd pick you up, and take you back to the district. He'll pick you up from there later."

"Oh," she said concentrating on keeping the smile on her face. She was disappointed Jay wasn't picking her up, in her mind she already had the rest of their day planned. She was going to show Jay her news, they were going to go pick up take away to celebrate, and then go back to her apartment and watch their show together. Going to the district wasn't on her to do list, she hadn't gone back there yet for a reason and she wasn't even sure Hank would notice her big news. "Do you think you could take me home instead of the district?" she asked, "I'm pretty tired after therapy."

"It's better if I take you back to the district," Hank said holding his hand out as if the help her up, "you can lie down on my sofa if you need to."

"Okay," she said thinking maybe she could hide in Hank's office, that she wouldn't have to face everything else that came with being back there. She ignored Hank's hand and picked up the pair of crutches sitting beside her. She slipped her arms into the arm holds and gripped the handles. In one slow but deliberate motion she stood up. Using the crutches for support she slowly walked to the car and climbed inside.

"How's rehab going?" Hank asked as they began the short drive to the district, "Have they given you any indication when you might be back to one hundred percent?"

"Last I heard it was six to twelve months," Erin smiled, enjoying the vagueness of her answer. "I'll let you know if they give anything more specific."

"Okay," Hank nodded and they drove the rest of the ride in silence.

Without having to ask Hank pulled the car up to the back of the district, from there it was easier to get to the service elevator and up to the second floor where intelligence worked.

When they arrived, like she'd hoped they were the only ones there. Hank said he needed to make some calls and suggested she sit at her desk. She sat there not because she wanted to be at her desk but because it was the closest place she could sit. Hank disappeared into his office and closed the door.

She was alone at work; it wasn't nearly as bad as she'd imagined. Immediately to her left was the team's case board, without even thinking she found herself reading the information on it. Her analytical mind switched on, and in no time she was taking notes, doing research, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Without being asked she began working. Two hours passed, Erin became engrossed, she didn't hear the rest of the unit coming back until they were almost at the top of the stairs, and Ruzek was calling out her name.

"Lindsay!" he cheered coming straight at her, his arms open for a hug, "are you back?" he asked, "we need you back."

"I'm not back," she said giving him the quick hello embrace, "I'm just waiting for Jay. Is he here?"

"Yeah, he's here somewhere," Ruzek said, leaning over to look at her notebook, "looks like you've been working to me," he told her, "did you find anything interesting?"

She began talking the case through with Ruzek and the rest of the unit, she didn't see Jay come in the back entrance and slip into Hank's office.

"How's she doing?" Jay asked Hank, as he quietly closed the door.

"I think she's enjoying herself," Hank answered, "I reckon I've seen her crack a few smiles."

"Good," Jay smiled. He was excited and relieved that their plan seemed to be working. "Have you got everything in place to get her back?"

"More or less," Hank offered, "brass won't clear her for active duty until she gets the medical clearances, but if she agrees we can under the table her as a civilian consultant."

"Do you think she'll go for that?" Jay asked sounding doubtful.

"Depends how much she enjoys herself today I guess," Hank shrugged. He'd been plotting this plan with Jay for a couple of weeks now. They'd both decided that getting Erin back to work, and doing what she loved was the only way to get her mind flicked from leaving to staying. They had no idea if it was actually going to work but it wouldn't hurt to try.

From inside the office they could hear Erin and the rest of the team chatting away, they moved closer to the door and peeked through the edge of the blinds, she looked happy, there was light in her eyes. They let her talk and strategies for as long as possible, when it finally sounded like the conversation was ending, when the brain storming was finished and everyone was ready to take action, they stepped out the office and walked over.

"Great!" Hank said clapping his hands together to get everyone's attention. He dispatched everyone in the team off to follow up all the leads they'd just discussed until it was just the three of them left.

"How are you going?" Jay asked, noting the smile on her face, "I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up, something came up."

"It's alright," Erin smiled, before letting out a massive yawn.

"Are you getting tired?" Jay asked a hint of concern creeping into his voice.

"Yeah," she said yawning again, "I'd have usually had a nap by now."

"Let's get you home then," he said looking around for the walking frame but it wasn't there, "where's your frame?" he asked.

A little coy, slightly triumphant smile spread across Erin's face, "I don't need it anymore," she said before turning to grab a pair of crutches leaning against the wall. He watched her slip the tops around her arms, then push up on the handles. She stood in front of him, a goofy smile across her face.

"You look fantastic," he said before stepping out her way. He watched as she began the walk to the car. She still moved slowly but it was starting to look more like a walk than a shuffle. Today had been a good day he thought, Erin was getting better, and their plan to make her stay looked like it might just work.


End file.
